Study Suggests Monkeys (And Men?) With Small Balls Overcompensate In Life

Finally, a scientific explanation for catcalling construction workers everywhere: the smaller the balls, the louder catcall. A new study out of the University of Cambridge’s Division of Biological Anthropology found that monkeys with the loudest calls often have smaller balls, which directly relates to less sperm production and reproductive abilities. Plainly put, those dudes who holler when you walk by on your way to the drugstore for oven cleaner and Doritos are probably compensating for their inability to properly impregnate you with their tiny balls and low sperm counts.

According to lead researcher Jacob Dunn, “In evolutionary terms, all males strive to have as many offspring as they can, but when it comes to reproduction you can’t have everything.” A tragic blow to masculinity and that group of dudes clustering by the subway station eager to let you know what they think of the dress and dirty sweater you put on your body that morning.

The study was conducted on howler monkeys, the 15 pound terror of the animal kingdom known for making an awful lot of noise, and it’s the first to find a connection between “vocal investment and sperm production.” As per the study, male howler monkeys generally keep their mouths shut until a female howler shows up. Standard.

From our rudimentary understanding of balls and their various mysteries, having small ones or ones the size of fucking grapefruits has nothing to do with sperm production. You could have small balls, big balls or ones that look like they’d be at home wearing a tiny, ball-sized fedora and that would have little to no impact on your ability to give a woman a baby. Even still, you gotta admit that it totally makes sense that loud-mouthed douchebros are overcompensating for what they lack in other areas.

Because it’s National Nut Day, and contemplating ballsacks and the wonders contained within is a fun thing to do on a Thursday afternoon, get yourself some knowledge on our mysterious neighbors to the south and check out some other fun facts about testicles we uncovered.

1. Some guys’ ballsacks twitch while getting a blowjob.

2. Ballsacks can be ticklish.

3. Balls hang at different heights so they don’t mash against each other. The left one is usually lower.

4. If a man literally has blue balls, he needs to go to the hospital ASAP.

5. Men sit with their legs spread wide on the subway because if he has no thigh gap to rest his ballsack in, then the ballsack will lay on top of his thighs and get smashed down by his jeans.

6. When a guy is fitted for a custom-tailored suit, he will be asked, “Left or right?” This refers to which way he stuffs them. That leg will be cut slightly larger.

7. Ballsacks get tender and a bit stiffer when a guy hasn’t cum in a while.

8. When you see a man’s bulge in his tight pants, it’s 90 percent ballsack.

9. Guys would rather inspect their ballsacks with magnifying mirrors than take pictures of them.

10. Ballsacks laugh when guys do because all the plumbing connects them with the interior of the pelvis. But rather than being held in by the pelvic floor, they are outside, so they chuckle.

[US News]