As Someone Who Is Attracted To Male Nipples, I Assure You We Will All Be Okay If The Nipple Is Freed

I’m still waiting for someone to tell me why, logically, it should be illegal for a woman to be topless in public. Most rational thinkers would agree that it’s absurd to determine the relative profanity of  a nipple by how much fat lies beneath it — and, if one type of nipples were to be less acceptable in public, for it to be the kind that are necessary for the sustenance of human beings.  

There is nothing innately unhygienic about a nipple. Unlike nether-region taboo parts, nipples have no funky smells or weird juices (save when they are being used to keep a person alive). As body parts go, nipples, actually, are fairly unassuming. Most thinking people realize this. Still, when a star like Miley steps out top-commando to promote #FreetheNipple, no one will answer her damn question about what exactly is so profane about lady nip. No one is listening to what Miley is saying about her boobs because everyone is staring at her boobs.

The only answer I can come up with, given years of empirical evidence and personal lady nip ownership, is that lady nip is illegal because some people are sexually attracted to it. But–some people are sexually attracted to dude nip too. I know, because I am one of those people. I am, like, really, really one of those people. My heart rate spikes at the thought of Joe Mangianello’s  exposed bust in Magic Mike XXL. I occasionally do an involuntary double take while hiking in Los Angeles, where shirtless personal trainers run wild, and, if I’m honest, I even got a little hot and bothered at the literal chiseled pecs of the David while visiting that sexy statue in Florence last year.

As a person who is sexually attracted to the type of nip that is currently allowed in public by law; please let me assure the world’s lady nip lovers that it is neither a catastrophe nor an inconvenience to live in harmony with the type of nipples that sometimes make you think naughty thoughts.

I think fleeting dirty thoughts about the nipples that rollerblade or surf into my life all the time. The instant they whoosh by me, my animal brain pictures myself motor boating those tight muscular mounds or running my fingers around those sun tanned aureolas. But then — here’s the thing — I’m able to snap back out of it in a millisecond and continue on with what I was doing. I don’t drool. I don’t explode. My eyes don’t come bugging out of my face 1940’s cartoon style. I am here to tell you, the lady nip lovers of the world, that it is possible to stumble across nip you want to lick, deal with it, and carry on, unharmed.

But what if those animal thoughts just won’t go away, you may ask yourself. What if the mere sight of lady nip turns me into a slobbering and creepy mess, and I’m unable to concentrate on my Draft Kings line up? This, I would agree, is a serious problem indeed, and worth seeking professional help for, but not at all the fault of the currently incarcerated lady nip.

Of course, legal exposed chest comes in all shapes and sizes. While some legal nip may be problematic because it makes people think of sex, other legal nip is also problematic because it doesn’t remind people of sex. This is, of course, why those smutty breast feeding mothers sometimes gross people out when they whip out their fun bags and use them for feeding instead. There is also, of course, the nightmarish scenario that a person who you are not sexually attracted to might dare to insult you with their topless presence. Ew. What. Then.

Again, I attest that happening upon nip that you feel no sexual attraction toward is far less traumatic than people may imagine. In fact, it is less than traumatic. It’s a non-event. The nipples that you feel nothing for fade into the back drops of tattoo parlors and overcrowded beaches. They are only a problem if their owners pipe up or try to thrust them upon you, but again, this is not actually a problem with the nipples themselves.

If that is the reason that lady nip continues to be taboo — that its biggest fans fear total helplessness out of lust or disgust in the event that they are allowed in polite society, I would urge them to fear not. As a connoisseur of dude nip whose taste ranges from waxed and tanned to squishy and pale, I promise you that it is possible to exist among sexy nip, nip that you don’t find sexy, nip that you wish you didn’t find sexy, and still function normally. It is more than realistic to see full, luscious nipples and still treat their owners like human beings.