Our Nations Toddlers Are On A Murderous Rampage — And Only One Thing Can Stop Them

The Washington Post reported today that there have been at least 43 accidental shootings by toddlers since the beginning of this year, accounting for about a quarter of all 208 unintentional shootings by children so far this year. So far, 13 toddlers under the age of three have killed themselves, 18 injured themselves, 10 injured other people, and two killed other people. Clearly, this is a problem, and clearly, there is only one possible solution–more armed toddlers.

Because the only thing–the absolute only thing–that can stop a bad toddler with a gun, is a good toddler with a gun. I mean sure, we could gently suggest that gun owners not keep loaded firearms within reach of children, but that would be a massive violation of their freedom to leave loaded firearms within reach of their children, as explicitly detailed in the part of the United States Constitution that I just made up. You don’t want to violate the constitution, do you?

Instead of enacting oppressive gun control laws like comprehensive “Child Access Prevention Laws” that would put responsible gun-owning parents in jail when their child gets a hold of their firearm and kills someone, like they have in “Massachusetts” or whatever, we should just be encouraging those parents to leave even more loaded guns out where toddlers can find them. That way, when one “bad” toddler gets a hold of one and goes to aim it at himself or somebody, another “good” toddler can grab hold of the first available firearm and accidentally shoot him before that happens. Really, it’s actually quite irresponsible to keep your toddlers away from loaded guns.

Now sure, intellectual elitist liberals will sip smugly on their lattes and tell you that “statistically” the states¬†whose laws allow for the felony prosecution of people who violate Child Access Prevention laws have had the greatest decline in accidental child shootings. That’s nice and all, but surely we can all agree that a few lost lives or limbs is a fair price to pay for the beautiful and glorious freedom of not having to give a fuck about where you leave your guns!

I mean, what are we going to do? Just raid people’s homes and take guns away from their toddlers? What about the toddlers who are responsible with their guns? What about their rights? And the toddlers who just want to hunt their stuffed animals for sport, and not their neighbors? Surely we cannot violate their Second Amendment rights.

The only way we’re ever going to be truly safe in this country is for there to be a loaded, accessible gun in literally every room (and nursery!) in the country. Preferably assault weapons, obviously, whenever possible, though probably smaller pistols are easier to handle for children who have yet to fully develop their motor skills.

And, in conclusion, AMERICA.

[Washington Post]