How Not To Get Murdered On Television

One thing you may or may not know about me is that I watch a heck of a lot of crime shows. Procedurals like Law and Order, true crime like Dateline and literally anything on the ID Channel. As a result of watching all these shows, I believe I have become an expert in one very important thing–not getting murdered. At least on television shows.

1. If Angela Lansbury is at a party, get your ass the fuck out of there.

True story! I love my Jessica Fletcher, but people get murdered when that lady is around. They drop like flies. The murder rate in tiny Cabot Cove, Maine is like a bajillion times higher than Chicago. I’m not saying she’s a serial killer (she might be a serial killer), but one thing I am very sure about is that being in her presence has not worked out well for a lot of people.

2. Don’t have a smile that lights up a room.

FACT: This is how Keith Morrison describes like, every murdered woman ever. Obviously, there is something about having a smile that lights up a room that makes people want to murder you. It is also, I have realized, pretty dangerous to be easily described as “The All American Girl.”

3. Avoid actors whom you have seen in other things.

Almost every time you see someone on “Law and Order” or “Criminal Minds” or, well, pretty much any procedural out there, and it’s a guest star actor you know, or even if it’s one of those “Oh god. That’s that one lady and/or dude. You know, the one from the thing?” actors–that is your murderer right there. Like, 90% of the time.

Oh, and avoid this dude specifically.

murderous guest star

Seriously, he’s done a guest stint on every show ever, usually doing some kind of messed up shit.

4. Do not attend Hudson University.

The fictional university on “Law and Order” is a straight up death trap. It’s like the Cabot Cove of colleges! Go there and get murdered! Or raped! I’ve always wondered why anyone sent their kids to Hudson, what with the insane crime rate being what it is.

However! If you think the terrible danger of Hudson is limited to the Dick Wolf universe, you are wrong–dead wrong.

From Wikipedia:

In Murder, She Wrote Season 8 (1991-1992) Angela Lansbury as Jessica Fletcher heads off to New York to teach a criminology class at the fictional Hudson University. In episode 2 of Season 8 “Night Fears” Jessica is challenged by another professor to a contest to see who can solve a string of crimes taking place on the Hudson University campus.

Oh hey! What was rule number one again? I’m telling you, everything Jessica Fletcher touches turns to murder. She teaches at a college one time, and then there’s a murder happening there every other week. Coincidence? I think not.

Not to mention, that same Wikipedia article states that Hudson University was where a certain Dr. Cliff Huxtable got his MD. Suspicious? YES. Stay the hell away from that damned place.

5. Do not take Sears Family Portraits or pose for a picture on a yacht in a white bathing suit.

When I was a kid, my mom never let us do those Sears family portraits because she so strongly associated them with what they show on TV when someone is murdered. Perhaps it is a coincidence, perhaps not, but I have not been murdered myself.

Also, the second “Dateline” shows you a picture of a woman on a yacht in a white bikini, you can be like, 99% sure she was found dead in a suitcase somewhere, ok? And her husband did it. I don’t know why this is, but I have watched a lot of “Dateline” and it is definitely a thing.

Also don’t have mall bangs or live in a sleepy town where no one would ever expect anything bad to happen.

6. If you are in a room with someone and they are showing a police sketch of a murderer on television that looks just like them, do not say “Oh man, so weird how that police sketch of a murderer looks just like you!”

Just act like you didn’t see it, ok? Or you weren’t paying attention. Because there is a pretty decent chance that your friend is a crazy murderer, and they will murder you for fear of getting found out.

7. Similarly, if the police come to ask you questions about a friend’s possible involvement in a murder, do not then go and call (or godforbid, visit) that friend and demand an explanation.

Seriously! Avoid that person! What are you thinking? Just wait until the damned police figure that shit out and you are sure that your friend definitely is not a serial killer. You don’t need to know, ok?

8. Going on a honeymoon? STAY ON DRY LAND.

This is especially true if you have a lot of money and said wedding is the result of a whirlwind relationship with a mysterious new man (or woman) whose previous life and family you know little to nothing about. Definitely don’t go on a damned cruise.

9. Do not casually remark “Oh! This drink tastes a little sweeter than normal!” and then go on drinking it.

Because it’s definitely anti-freeze.