WWJDD: “I’m Worried I’m A Nymphomaniac”
After multiple women accused James Deen of rape and sexual assault in November 2015, The Frisky made the immediate decision to end our affiliation with the porn star and to cancel his sex advice column with the site. In addition to believing it would be inappropriate to continue publishing sex advice from someone facing such serious allegations, The Frisky is firm in its commitment to believing and standing in solidarity with victims/survivors when they come forward. After serious consideration and input, we decided to leave the previously published columns up on The Frisky with this disclaimer, as we believe the glaring divide between Deen’s consent-focused advice and the rape allegations against him should be part of the public record. For a more thorough explanation on our decision to end this column, click here.
I’m beginning to wonder if I’m a nymphomaniac. No jokes or sarcasm here, I’m truly concerned. Realistically, I KNOW that I’m not a sex addict (I looked up the definition because I was so worried) but it is beginning to run my life and I don’t know what to do. I really, really, really, really enjoy sex, and I think it’s more so an issue that this is all so new to me, I don’t know how to control it and I don’t have anyone to talk that can relate to me on any level. All I do in my spare time is sit and analyze my libido & our sex life.
I’m 28 and have been married for almost 5 years. My husband & I just kind of ‘fell in’ to this type of relationship. He was the first person to introduce me to porn, I had never dressed up (not even lingerie) for anyone before him. I’ve always been naturally submissive and have just gone along with whatever he suggested. Here we are now having several-hours long worth of sex every Saturday where I get to have AT LEAST 10 orgasms (we’ve gotten up to 18), and in between those I beg him to choke me, spank me, call me awful names, let me suck on his cock, tie me up … the list goes on and on. And I love every. single. bit of it.
Even AFTER those lengthy Saturday nights, I find that by Sunday morning I’m just as horny all over again as I was the night before! It’s not that I wasn’t fully satisfied the night before (obviously). I go to bed perfectly happy and sleep like the dead. So what’s the deal?! By Tuesday or Wednesday of each week, I’m practically humping his leg.
Also, I should mention … I can’t masturbate. I have tried and tried. I was so horny in high school, I tried my hands, I tried using my perfume bottle (it was long and I was too young to go to a sex store), I tried my hairbrush. My clit doesn’t function in the least so that’s a no-go. When I turned 18, I tried dildo after dildo, vibrator after vibrator… I can’t begin to tell you all the different types of sex toys I invested in while I was single, just to feebly attempt (and sadly fail at) masturbating. I’ve read every tip in every magazine; tried the bathtub faucet, tried watching porn at the same time. I just don’t work like that.
We both work serious, full-time jobs and have normal lives we have to go along with, so we have obligations. I realize that it’s not like we can sit around and fuck all day. But he tries – sometimes if he’s up for it we’ll do another mini-session on Sunday, and/or sometimes he lets me suck on his cock later in the week.
I guess I’m beginning to worry about my well-being & both of our sanity. How do I control this? How do I channel it? Should we dive into the dominant/sub life even more, develop some rules around our sex life? I’ve heard having structure can help, but I don’t personally know anyone else who has done this before. We have only merely ‘dipped our toes’ into this life! Suffice it to say, I’m completely at a loss & about to lose my mind. HELP!
First of all, I am not a doctor, and you should definitely go speak to someone who is a trained addiction specialist. Talk to a professional, don’t just listen to me. I’m just a naked guy who has an opinion, which I will give you because you’ve asked for it.
Now, go back and reread what I just wrote, and after you have read that twice, you can read the rest of this column.
Despite the length of your letter, I still was left with a lot of questions that makes it hard to give you specific advice. It sounds like you’re sexually repressed as hell. I don’t know what your upbringing or your family situation was like, but it sounds like you might have experienced shame and stigma around sex in your childhood or over the course of your life, and what’s exploding out of you now is all of this sexually repressed energy. But at the same time, the shame and stigma have not completely gone away, and you still feel on some level like it’s a bad thing to be horny a lot, to enjoy sex and to want to have more sex than you’re currently having. You also seem to feel some shame about having such a large sexual appetite – but you have to remember, sex feels good. We, as humans, like it! It’s not weird to really like having sex!
You say you’re not a sex addict, but then go on to explain that your sexuality and sexual appetite is interfering with your life. It’s unclear to what degree — like, are you just really horny and you want to get fucked more often? Or are you so horny all the time that it’s actually interfering with other aspects of your life? Because my understanding is that an indicator of addiction — to sex or drugs or really anything — is when that thing you like doing because it feels really good starts to interfere with your life. Heroin feels really good! If you’re casually able to just do heroin from time to time, without it impacting other areas of your life, you’re not a heroin addict, you just casually do heroin! Most people don’t have that ability, however, and pretty quickly, doing heroin becomes more frequent, it starts to interfere with their health, their well-being, their relationships with the people around them — and that’s when it becomes an addiction.
So to what degree is your desire for sex affecting your life? Because if you’re so horny that you’re not able to do your job, to have friendships and other relationships, if it is affecting your health and well-being, that is addiction. I don’t know if you’re a sex addict or not — and I don’t think you do either. This is why I am going to, again, urge you to talk to a professional to figure that out. Just because sex is natural and there are biological and reproductive reasons for doing it, you can still be addicted to it because it feels really fucking good! Anything that gives you that serotonin and dopamine release in your brain can become an addiction, so it’s just a matter of how you handle it and how much it interferes with your life.
Now, onto your relationship. There’s a lot to unpack here. You said you and your husband are really busy, by which I assume you mean your careers, and that’s getting in the way of the two of you having more sex. I don’t understand if his libido is slow, but there does appear to an imbalance in how much you each want to be having sex, in that your Saturday sex session is expected to sustain and satisfy you for an entire week, which is a struggle, while your husband seems fine. If I’m correct and that’s the case, the expectation that you SHOULD be satisfied by one weekly sex session is not normal. It is completely understandable and valid to have sex on a Saturday and to still want to have more sex on a Sunday! It’s unreasonable to expect to be fully satiated for an entire week just because you had a ton of sex on a Saturday.
It’s kind of like sleep. You can’t sleep for two hours a night, every night, and then on Saturday, sleep for 10 hours and be like, “Oh, I’m all caught up, I feel so well-rested and satiated.” That’s not the way sleep works. You need to have regular REM cycles, you can’t go without sleep and then catch up on it without feeling out of sorts in between. It’s the same thing with sex. You’re not going to necessarily be sexually satisfied just because you got fucked really well on a Saturday night. If I got fucked really well on a Saturday night, I would wake up on Sunday thinking, “Wow! I really want to get fucked really well again, because that was awesome!” You seem to think it’s SO crazy to wake up really horny after being fucked really well the night before. That’s not crazy. You like sex! It feels good! You want to have more of it! That’s not weird!
Even though there seems to be this imbalance in how much you each want sex, it doesn’t sound like your relationship with your husband is unhealthy. It sounds like you two like each other and are happy together, and that you enjoy sex with your husband. It sucks that you can’t masturbate — that’s fucking depressing and I’m sorry to hear that. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt that masturbating is not going to help, because you said you’ve tried all sorts of different things, so I’m going to assume that what gets you off is actual human interaction. If your dude is not willing or able to have sex with you more often, maybe you should have a conversation with him about using other penises to masturbate — maybe that’s something you could even do to together, with him watching or something. But I have no idea if it’s an option he would be open to or comfortable with.
Ultimately, I don’t have enough information to actually assess your relationship, so to sum up my advice: First, go to therapy, talk to a professional, figure out what the fuck happened to you in your childhood that made you sexually repressed and ashamed. Talk to someone who is actually qualified to judge if you’re an actual sex addict and whether there’s a problem. Second, work with that professional on creating the most healthy and beneficial sexual and emotional relationship that you can with your partner. Good luck.
Already known as a porn star, actor, director, producer, sex symbol, and star of our masturbatory fantasies, James Deen can now add Frisky advice columnist to his resume. Each week in his column, What Would James Deen Do?, he’ll be offering his straight up, rock solid, no bullshit advice to YOUR questions. Want to know what James would do? Email your questions to [email protected]!