7 Simple Ways To Tell A Girl That You Don’t Have A Penis

By now you’ve likely heard about Andrew Wardle, otherwise known as “The Man With No Penis” (but with a TLC documentary!). The special, which premiered this week, gave us a window into what a junk-less life is all about. Spoiler: it’s about a lot of oral sex, drugs and lying.

Wardle, who was rendered dickless by condition called bladder exstrophy, used this platform to present himself as the “Rudy” of pussy. He claimed that he’s tricked over 100 women into having sex with him, which is a pretty high number for even a standard-issue wang.

“I knew my way around a woman’s body, I knew my way around their mind,” he said in the special. “I was very confident in bed of what I could do to them so they wouldn’t come near me and they were finished and I was fine.” He also abused alcohol and drugs like LSD so he could blame his lack of performance on that. (If he ever shared the LSD with his partners, that would help explain the penis disappearance too. Trippy.)

As much as his medical condition is not his fault, the lack of disclosure with his now serious girlfriend, Fedra Fabian, is and it’s kind of deceptive, manipulative and creepy. He tricked her into a relationship the way most people do, with the Internet and long distance. He catfished her when it came to his penis, but dickfishing doesn’t begin to described what it must be like to go through all this on TV. And he might get rewarded with a new penis for it.

Fabian’s reaction may have been less emotional if she wasn’t also dealing with being duped on top of it. It’s obviously not easy being Wardle, but we’d be more empathetic with his plight (and impressed) if he had been honest about everything. Here are a few simple ways to do just that.

1. That’s not a banana in my pocket, but I am happy to see you.

2. I lost my penis, can I borrow yours? **hands her a new vibrator**

3. Do you have a map? Because my penis got lost in your eyes.

4. I’m not a photographer, but I can picture you being compassionate about my anatomy.

5. I have a vitamin-D deficiency minus the vitamins.

6. There’s a funeral in my pants and you’re invited.

7. I bet you hate lies more than you love dicks.

[NY Post]