“Empire” Recap-ish: Rainbow Sensation Is A Terrible Name For Anything

Welcome back to our safe space to discuss whatever the hell happened last night on “Empire”! Last week’s episode was a rollicking good time, with every single guest star you could possibly think of paying a visit, and the stage was set for a good ol’ fight for the Empire between Cookie and Lucious. If you watched the premiere and were invigorated by the soaring new heights of ridiculous this show will reach, you probably tuned in this week only to be slightly disappointed. When “Empire” is good, it is peak drama, high camp and full of moments that make people scream at the television in joy. Anything less feels like a letdown.

Last night’s episode was confusing as hell, and seemed to only serve one purpose — to get Lucious out of jail so he and Cookie can fight all season! Here are our loose ends.

This Week’s Guest Stars, Ranked:

  1. Ludacris
  2. Kelly Rowland
  3. Andre Royo
  4. Sharon Carpenter
  5. Petey Pablo
  6. Becky G

What The Heck Is Up With That Prison?

How in the fuck is this prison so twisted? How did Thirsty Rawlins, the best/worst named character on network television, get a recording studio put into a storage closet? How is it possible that they’re hoarding Lucious’s medicine? What in the sweet hell was that rap sequence and why is Terrence Howard doing that shit with his face?


Hair Notes & Other Bits And Barbs:

Cookie’s short bangs work for me. Andre’s facial hair continues to steal literally every scene he’s in. Rhonda’s bangs are a wise move as well. Jamal is now the worst Lyon, even worse than his father, who has literally killed a man and is now out of jail because Bubbles showed the judge a picture of him in a ball gag. Also, Hakeem trying to be a mini-mogul isn’t going to work out, because Rainbow Sensation is what you’d call a particularly noxious flavor of ice cream, not a girl group with one black girl, one white girl and one Hispanic. Keep trying, Hakeem. Keep trying!