WWJDD: “My New Girlfriend Loves Oral Sex But I’m Out Of Practice!”

Editor’s Note

After multiple women accused James Deen of rape and sexual assault in November 2015, The Frisky made the immediate decision to end our affiliation with the porn star and to cancel his sex advice column with the site. In addition to believing it would be inappropriate to continue publishing sex advice from someone facing such serious allegations, The Frisky is firm in its commitment to believing and standing in solidarity with victims/survivors when they come forward. After serious consideration and input, we decided to leave the previously published columns up on The Frisky with this disclaimer, as we believe the glaring divide between Deen’s consent-focused advice and the rape allegations against him should be part of the public record. For a more thorough explanation on our decision to end this column, click here.

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I’m a guy in a new relationship with a woman who really, really likes getting oral sex. My last relationship was a long one and my ex didn’t like oral sex, so I’m really out of practice. I’m happy to go down on my new girlfriend, but given that you’re the king of licking pussy, I was thinking maybe you might give me a few tips that have worked well for you.

Well, first, you missed an excellent opportunity for alliteration, because you could have called me the king of cunnilingus, but you did not, and I am very disappointed in that. Come on, man! Alliteration!

So your issue is that you are out of practice and you want tips for going down on your girlfriend. I have the answer! The answer is you’re asking the wrong questions. Because I don’t know your girlfriend.  I have never gone down on your girlfriend, so I have no idea what your girlfriend likes when someone goes down on her. But a person who does probably know — I’m just sayin’, it’s just a guess! — IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND. So instead of asking a stranger on the internet how to go down on your girlfriend, you could say to your girlfriend “Tell me what you like” or “Direct me” or or “I want to eat your pussy better than anybody in the entire world, tell me exactly what it is that is going to get you off.” Communicate!

Again, I don’t know what your girlfriend likes. I can tell you what a clitoris is. I can tell you where the clitoris is. I can tell you there’s a clitoral hood, and labia majora, and labia minora, but at the end of the day, that means nothing if, say, your girlfriend hates having her clit touched! (Which is possible, by the way.) My technique involves putting my face in a girl’s vulva and doing shit and if there’s a good noise, I continue to do whatever created the good noise. That is my technique for all that is sexual. I don’t know what someone likes or what they don’t like, so I’m going to do a bunch of stuff and try different things and when that person makes GOOD noises, I am going to continue to do those things. Then, based on what I’ve learned through my vast sluttiness, I’ll start to make connections like, “Oh, if she likes to have her hair pulled, maybe she also likes light choking,” but still — NOTHING is fucking consistent.

So ask your girlfriend, not a Jew. Well, you can ask a Jew, if your girlfriend is a Jew, that is – but not a strange Jew from the internet who doesn’t know your girlfriend and has never gone down on your girlfriend.

Now, if I have gone down on your girlfriend, tell me who she is, and I’ll tell you if I remember what she likes or not! But also, I might not actually know what she likes, because she might have lied to me and been like “Oh yeah, that feels so good,” but  then went home and told her friend, “That guy sucks!” So, again, ask her, even if it turns out that I have gone down on your girlfriend.

Now, I’m not suggesting that you have a conversation beforehand where you sit down and draw pictures. The beauty of oral sex is that, in theory, one person has their mouth completely available to give directions, while the other person has their mouth occupied and can’t interrupt them. So, you can have your face down between your girlfriend’s legs and you can be going all sorts of crazy on her clitoris and labia and whatever else she wants sucked on and licked and fingered, and she can tell you, “Oh yeah, that feels good” or “A little to the left!” or “Suck there.” Maybe you also just say to your girlfriend, “My ex hated when I went down on her. She didn’t like oral sex. But you do and I want to make sure that I’m doing everything that I can to give you pleasure” — or whatever the fuck regular people say in these romantic sexual situations. Have her give you directions as you’re going down on her and then in time, she won’t have to give you directions, because if you’re not a stupid person, you’ll learn.

But my biggest piece of advice for you and the other straight guys reading this looking for tips on licking pussy? ASK A WOMAN. This is something I have never understood: why do women ask other women how to suck dick? And why do men ask other men how to eat pussy? Because dudes — I’m speaking specifically about cisgender males who are born with and happy with their dicks — don’t have pussies. I can tell you all sorts of things that I have done that have gotten positive responses, but really, I have no fucking clue if what one woman told me at that time was actually a lie. She could have just been telling me it was great. I don’t fucking know! I know the presentation of the world as it was shown to me.

Now, I can tell you how I like to get my dick sucked. So if a woman is like “I’m a little nervous, I don’t know how to suck dick. I don’t know what’s good and what’s not,” I can say, “Okay, here’s what I like — try these things. And here are some things I have heard other guys say they like.”

But I can’t tell you how to eat pussy! Go ask your fucking girlfriend. Go ask a woman! Go ask somebody with a pussy how to eat pussy. And I will tell your girlfriend how to suck dick. Stop asking members of the same sex how to please members of the opposite sex! Cosmo, you’re horrible. Stop publishing pieces like “10 Ways To Please Your Man,” written by some lady! Get a man to sit there and tell you how to please your man. Get a woman to sit there and tell you how to please your woman. And then every person reading those articles should remember that everyone is different and there is no consistency and there will never be something that every single person likes, because everyone is different!

DROPS MIC.

Already known as a porn star, actor, director, producer, sex symbol, and star of our masturbatory fantasies, James Deen can now add Frisky advice columnist to his resume. Each week in his column, What Would James Deen Do?, he’ll be offering his straight up, rock solid, no bullshit advice to YOUR questions. Want to know what James would do? Email your questions to [email protected]!