Chicken Wing Squirrel > Milkshake Trash Can Squirrel

Perhaps some of you have noticed that I have developed a little bit of an interest in squirrels lately. A squirrel — whom I have named Chad — moved into the overhang overlooking my fire escape and he comes by to visit from time to time. For awhile I was kind of concerned that Chad was a creep, but having become more attuned to his psychic energy, I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s just kind of a loner. I’m actually writing this post from my fire escape, as Chad stares down at me. He’s starting to respond to his own name and swears he does not have rabies.

But this is not a story about Chad.

No, this is about how the internet, desperate to find the next Pizza Rat, has latched on to a video of a squirrel sitting in a trashcan drinking a milkshake. You can watch him go at it above. I understand why the internet likes Trashcan Milkshake Squirrel, because he is adorable and has good taste in fast food. But it’s hard for me to understand the internet’s awe of Trashcan Milkshake Squirrel, as I have recently encountered a squirrel with just as much if not more of a lust for life and delicious eats, whose choice in snack is, I think, more dumbfounding.

BEHOLD, WHOLE CHICKEN WING SQUIRREL:

I watched this little fucker snag an entire untouched chicken wing (could be Korean or Buffalo, hard to say) off a table at a park, stick it between his teeth for safe keeping, and then ably scurry up a tree, through some branches, and finally settle in to dine on the best meal of his life.

Squirrels, I would like to inform you, are fucking vegetarian.

But not this guy, at least not anymore. I mean, what you’re seeing here is one of Mother Nature’s cutest vegetarians experiencing his first bite of animal flesh. This is some National Geographic shit here. Trashcan Milkshake Squirrel, who didn’t even have the patience or decorum or intelligence to bring his dessert out of the garbage before sucking it down, has nothing on Chicken Wing Squirrel, god dammit.

DON’T YOU AGREE?