WWJDD: “Is It Normal To Sign An NDA Before Having BDSM Sex?”

Editor’s Note

After multiple women accused James Deen of rape and sexual assault in November 2015, The Frisky made the immediate decision to end our affiliation with the porn star and to cancel his sex advice column with the site. In addition to believing it would be inappropriate to continue publishing sex advice from someone facing such serious allegations, The Frisky is firm in its commitment to believing and standing in solidarity with victims/survivors when they come forward. After serious consideration and input, we decided to leave the previously published columns up on The Frisky with this disclaimer, as we believe the glaring divide between Deen’s consent-focused advice and the rape allegations against him should be part of the public record. For a more thorough explanation on our decision to end this column, click here.

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I’m submissive and want to date someone who understands what that means and wants to in turn dominate me. I recently started talking to a guy off a fetish website (fetlife) and he asked me to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

Is this a thing in BDSM? I have tried meeting people before and it wasn’t a thing. However, realistically I do think I could lose my job if they knew I am into kinky stuff, so I could see this being a good thing. But it just seems a bit unnatural.

Isn’t that what they did in “Fifty Shades of Grey”? I haven’t seen that movie, but I did a parody for Buzzfeed where I slid a contract across a table to a girl, who then looked up at me and was like “FUCK THIS!” and ran away.

Amelia: I explained to James the full purpose of Christian’s contract for Ana in ‘”Fifty Shades” — that it’s both a legal document barring her from talking about what they do together, so his reputation as a 27-year-old billionaire is not tarnished, and also lays out the terms of what she will and won’t do in his Red Room of Pain.

That sounds like the least sexy thing I’ve ever heard. “‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ the super sexy movie about CONTRACT NEGOTIATION. Every Jew loves it!”

I have no idea whether this is a normal thing with the BDSM community, or just something this guy stole from “Fifty Shades of Grey,” but I could see how people like yourself, who live a more private life and could get fired from their jobs for “morality” reasons, might think a contract like this makes sense. Good friendships and good relationships are protected by better contracts.The purpose of a contract is not to take control, to fuck anyone over, or to get power over someone else, even down the line. The purpose is so that in a logical, non-fucked up state, you’re able to have a clear conversation and decide how things are going to be dealt with in the event that something happens to disrupt that relationship.

If for whatever reason you do decide to sign this guy’s NDA, please remember that NDAs do not work both ways, and it would be totally fair for you to have him sign an NDA as well. You should have a lawyer look over both NDAs before you sign anything, and you should be aware that NDAs are actually very difficult to enforce and sort of useless.

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All of that being said, this really comes down to trust. Trust is super important to a sexual relationship, especially a BDSM relationship, and a contract does not replace trust. If you don’t trust somebody enough that you need them to sign a legal document holding a bunch of money over their heads in the event that they blab something about you, maybe you should just not have sex with that person. If I’m going to engage in fucked up, weird, BDSM sex with somebody, it’s going to be someone who is as into it as I am. I’m not going to be like, “Hey, I want to have really rough, weird sex with you, but I need you to sign this document first, because I don’t trust you.” When it comes to BDSM, if you can’t comfortably hit somebody and trust that the person will tell you when it’s too hard, when it’s over the line, and to communicate what their boundaries are, DON’T DO IT.

Objectively speaking, it sounds to me like this is a dude you met off the internet, who you were kind of interested in, who then did something weird by asking you to sign an NDA,and now you’re like, “Eh, I’m not that interested any more.” This is a red flag, a sign that he doesn’t trust you. And if he doesn’t trust you, how the hell are you going to be involved in a BDSM relationship? So you know what? Don’t fuck that guy. Fuck that.

Already known as a porn star, actor, director, producer, sex symbol, and star of our masturbatory fantasies, James Deen can now add Frisky advice columnist to his resume. Each week in his column, What Would James Deen Do?, he’ll be offering his straight up, rock solid, no bullshit advice to YOUR questions. Want to know what James would do? Email your questions to[email protected]!