Is It Okay To Have Sex With Someone Who Rides A “Hoverboard”?
Hey, got a sec for a quick question? Cool, this won’t take but a minute. Would you fuck a guy that rode up to you on one of these “hoverboard” things? For reference, here is a bastion of cool, basketball player J.R. Smith, riding one:
It’s basically a hands-free Segway. It’s generally the purview of teenage boys who zip down crowded sidewalks while Periscoping. The hands-free aspect makes it not as goofy and cringe-inducing as an actual Segway. I can’t figure out the appeal. It’s like watching a mediocre superhero rush to the scene of a crime — he’s not moving as fast as he should be, but he’s very, very dependent on this thing that he made in his basement, and goddammit, he’s going to use it.
Is it cool if someone rolls up to to take you on a date for hot wings and beer on one of these things? If that guy you met on Tinder zips on over to the agreed-upon meeting location astride this board and makes you trot alongside him? What if he hops off the thing when he sees you, picks it up, and slings it over his shoulder, as if it were a blazer? Would you still fuck him? Would you bounce after half a beer, faking diarrhea or some sort of terrible phone emergency, retreating to the safety of your apartment, having dodged the bullet of fucking someone that left your house in the morning on a hands-free Segway?
From a very far distance, perhaps in twilight, when the light is just dim enough to make out discernible shapes, someone approaching you on one of these things will look at best, smooth. But in reality, it can only really be one of the following: 1) a giant man-baby wearing Yeezy Boosts and a summer-beanie or 2) an actual, living teen. You can fuck the former, if you want, but I’d avoid the latter.