Jim Bakker: Buy My $3500 Barrel Of Food So You Don’t Have To Eat Babies During The Apocalypse

Oh hey! Remember Jim Bakker? As in “Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker” Jim Bakker? The televangelist who went to jail for fraud and was accused (and likely guilty) of rape by Jessica Hahn? Well, he’s back, and now he wants you to to buy some $3500 barrels of food for when the Apocalypse comes! Food that he says will last you seven years! And that you will have to keep secret from your neighbors, who although “sweet,” will be so desperate for food that they will be eating their own arms and legs and also their babies.

Jim Bakker doesn’t want you to have to eat your own babies, like my pet gerbil did back in elementary school. He cares about you. And, he says, he doesn’t want that blood on his hands when “you’re huddled in a corner with your grandbaby and they’re screaming and crying and there’s no food.”

He also recommends his food buckets for other purposes, in addition to the End Times, like for instance if the entire government collapses and there’s no food. Huh.

I don’t know, Jim Bakker. I’m not really sure that if there were some doomsday scenario where people were so hungry they’d have to resort to cannibalism that they’d go right for the babies. I mean, how much meat is there even on a baby? It’s an hors d’oeuvre at best.

I do have to wonder though, why is it that these people always go to the darkest well imaginable? Like, what kind of sick fuck is sitting around going “OH, I know how to sell these food buckets! We’ll tell people that if they don’t buy them, they’ll end up having to eat their babies!” It’s like with gay marriage where the first thing they jump to is how much people are going to want to marry their dogs. They’re just bizarre. [Is it, Robyn? IS IT?! — Amelia and Lucca]

Then again, I can’t figure out why anyone would give Jim Bakker money for anything considering his history! The guy made millions selling tens of thousands of “memberships” to his ministry that supposedly included an annual three-night stay in his luxury Heritage USA hotels–and then only built one 500 room hotel! He’s a notorious con artist! And it’s scary that he’s still out there going around taking advantage of people by scaring the beejesus out of them by telling them their neighbors are all going to become cannibals in the near future.

Clearly, this is proof that our prison systems need to focus more on rehabilitation, because it’s true what they say–they go in bad and they come out worse.

[Right Wing Watch]