Our Nation’s Cucumbers Are On A Murderous Rampage

It seems as though at least once a week I look over to that little trending bar on Facebook to see a list of foods that may or may not be trying to kill me. Just last week or so, we were all nearly murdered by Turkey Bacon and Bimbo Bread!

murderous foods

Not to mention the ongoing Kraft singles crisis! People are dropping like flies from those damn things.

Then, today, what do I see trending at number one today? CUCUMBERS. Cucumbers trying to murder us all with salmonella. Two people are dead and 340 people are sick from what we all assumed was a perfectly safe and healthy vegetable. A vegetable that was quiet and kept to itself mostly. It’s always the way, isn’t it?

Naturally, as soon as I finish writing this I will have to call my mother and inform her of this situation, just like she called me in the middle of the night once to tell me that someone died after eating raw cookie dough, a thing I hadn’t done since high school. If there is anything moms love to talk about, other than whether or not you are slouching or how Mary Wilson and Flo Ballard totally got screwed because Berry Gordy favored Diana Ross, it is food that is out to get you. So you should probably call yours too.