13 Questionable Relationship Lessons From ‘Bachelor In Paradise’
The “Bachelor” franchise has taught us all kinds of things we never needed to learn — guys like girls who hate drama but love sleeping in makeup, virgins cry more and one of the most underrated side effects of alcohol is finding your soulmate — all entertaining lessons, all terrible to apply to real relationships. Like a car wreck, you can’t look away, but you can resist the urge to light your car on fire.
When the second season of “Bachelor In Paradise” came to a close this past Labor Day (a holiday honoring hard work like beach frenching), it left behind as many broken hearts as pearls of wisdom. Take these pieces of advice for what they are, but don’t apply them to romantic relationships unless you love being single.
1. Talk to as many animals as people.
If you ever wondered what Snow White would be like as a 34-year-old single woman, then you haven’t met Clare Crawley. Talking to animals doesn’t age well, especially post puberty, unless it’s with cats. Clare didn’t get serious enough with anyone in Paradise to pop the question, “Want to meet my crabs?” The good news and bad news is that they’re not an STD; they’re her friends.
2. Don’t be 30.
If Ashley Iaconetti hates anything as much as sex and not crying, it’s women over 30. Her harsh judgment of older women seems a bit much coming from a 27-year-old Disney-obsessed virgin, but it’s also probably the only thing she has in common with the men she was trying (and failing) to attract. When it comes to growing old, men and women are different. Women age and men hate that.
3. Have bad tattoos, ideally of other women.
Every girl loves a bad boy and the easiest way to tell he’s terrible is by his awful tattoos. The bad ink displayed in Paradise was like an advertisement for tattoo removal that ABC never got paid for. Not without competition, Joshua Albers had the most notable tats, both in terms of quantity and stupidity. He’s cute but he will never love you like the topless hula girl on his leg.
4. Don’t talk about drugs (unless you have any).
Joshua ran into some trouble early on when he got too braggy about doing Molly in LA, though he seemed mostly excited about being able to drink it out of a coconut. His peers got really judgmental about this really quickly, which he could’ve cured if only he brought some with him.
5. Day drink and night drink, but don’t get drunk you slob.
Everyone in Paradise is moonlighting in finding love, but their main job was to support Jorge the bartender day and night. While day drinking can help grease the wheels when if comes to falling in love with a person (or palm tree), pacing yourself can be a challenge. At least it was for Chris Bukowski, who arrived only to get wasted and leave without a date. If only Jorge had a rose.
6. It’s OK to lie if you’re pretty.
Like with every season of every “Bachelor” spinoff, the drama can be traced directly back to the person who says they hate it the most. This summer in Paradise, that person was Samantha Steffen. This side-burned sweetheart was portrayed as playing everyone, even going as far as to pursue Joe Bailey’s weird face before taping. But once Joe departed everyone let Sammi off the hook for their shared lies because they looked better coming from her.
7. It’s not OK to get ignored if you’re pretty.
It seemed like the only reason the women forgave Sammi for her shady behavior in Paradise was because she had been almost completely edited out of her season of The Bachelor. When Chris Harrison joked with her about this, she claimed that it was because she didn’t have any chemistry with Chris Soules, aka Prince Farming. This is hard to believe considering that charmer had chemistry corn.
8. It’s OK to be insane if you’re pretty.
You can call it the Ashely S. rule. If you don’t know who Ashley Salter, it’s hard to tell if she’s the Andy Kauffman or Amanda Bynes of “Bachelor” Nation, but we all love it.
9. Villains gotta vill.
Coined back in Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season of “The Bachelorette,” Joe Bailey did his part to make this catchphrase the worst thing that’s happen to the franchise since, well, him. This statements says a lot, despite not making sense at all — namely, I listen to Taylor Swift, I’m comfortable being a bad person and I don’t know that vill is not a verb.
10. Always threaten people who might reject you.
The ballad of Joe and Sammi came to a disturbing end, but not before reminding us all of how to respond to the threat of rejection: MORE THREATS. When Joe realized that the Bonnie to his Clyde couldn’t be trusted, he threatened to expose her lying and manipulative ways. Unfortunately, she’s too cute for anyone to care (see #6).
11. Quiet kisses don’t count.
If a couple makes out in the middle of the forest and no one hears it, are they really worthy of love? The answer is no, no they’re not.
12. Make Chris Harrison your virginity fairy godmother.
In attempt to seduce Jared Haibon, Ashley L. passed the buck to Chris Harrison in the weirdest way possible when she asked for a fantasy suite date. Nothing says, “Take my v-card,” quite like, “because the host said so.” But according to several accounts, she’s still carrying that old thing around. No matter how pretty you are you have to stop crying if you want a nice guy to have sex with you.
13. Decide who to marry on a bunk bed,
No matter how happy you were for Tanner Tolbert and Jade Roper and their engagement, the moment was spoiled by having to watch him put shorts on while sitting on a bunk bed just minutes before. This may have been a poor editing choice, but also an even worse furniture choice. People only put this many bunk beds in one room for summer camp and prison, both places where reflect a lot about the rest of your life.
Lauren Vinopal is a stand-up comic and writer in NYC, follow her on Twitter at@LaurenVino.