12 Songs GOPers Could Use In Their Campaigns Without Pissing Anyone Off

The campaigning for the 2016 election is just barely in full swing, and yet the Republican party is also starting to piss off musicians by using their music without permission — as is becoming a grand tradition. So far, Survivor is suing Mike Huckabee and Kim Davis for their use of “Eye Of The Tiger” (Newt Gingrich was previously sued for the same and settled out of court), and Michael Stipe is super pissed at Trump for using “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” while campaigning.

I honestly don’t know why they keep doing this. First of all, it’s embarrassing as hell, and second, I don’t know why they wouldn’t want to support musicians that would support them. It seems counterintuitive! I would think they’d want to play the music of people who would be like “Yeah! We totally support you and think you are swell!” rather than that of people who will step out and say “HEY, we think you are gross monsters, please don’t use our music.”

To boot, it’s kind of rude, really. It’s bad manners. Sure, you may be able to get the license to use the music from the music companies — but that’s still someone’s music. It’s something they put their heart into. It’s art. The decent thing to do is to at least ask first, and to be gracious about these things.

However, if that’s not a possibility for whatever reason (the reason being that they’re rude), here are some songs from conservative musicians that might be more appropriate for their purposes!

1. Ted Nugent, “Jailbait”

I think it’s fair to say that Ted Nugent is basically the epitome of Conservative Family Values as far as musical acts are concerned. He’s jammed out with Mike Huckabee himself on at least one occasion, writes for World News Daily, and generally says incredibly awful things on a regular basis!

I figure maybe some GOP candidates might like to walk out to his song “Jailbait,” a heartwarming ballad about an underage girl Nugent would like to gang rape with a police officer. Like so:

Honey you you you look so nice
She’s young she’s tender
Won’t you please surrender
She’s so fine she’s mine
All the time, all mine mine
It’s all right baby
It’s quite all right I asked your mama
Wait a minute officer
Don’t put those handcuffs on me
Put them on her and I’ll share her with you

See? He shows respect for parents and the family by asking the child’s mother if he can rape her beforehand, as well as respect for officers of the law. Women and girls, of course, don’t deserve any respect, particularly if they are going around looking like someone Ted Nugent would enjoy raping.

2. Prince, “Pussy Control”

Now, true story, Prince would probably sue your ass off for using his music without permission. Duh. We all know how Prince is. However, ever since becoming a Jehovah’s Witness, my beloved Prince has gotten pretty darned conservative–including saying some crappy things about gay people and talking about how nice it is in Islamic countries where women all have to wear burqas and don’t have a choice. YEESH. But yeah, he might sue your ass, Huckabee, but he probably won’t say it’s because he thinks your views are gross. Which is something, I guess.

I gotta figure “Pussy Control” would be the ideal song for a GOP candidate, given their stated interest in controlling all the pussy, in regards to reproductive rights and abstinence education.

3. Meatloaf, “I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)”

For years, we have all wondered exactly what it is that Meatloaf would not do for love — but when you add a little Kim Davis to that song, it starts to make sense. Because clearly, Kim Davis would do anything for love — including getting married four times — but she won’t give two people of the same sex a marriage license.

I feel super bothered by the fact that Meatloaf is a super Conservative, because HI, he was in “Rocky Horror” of all things — but hey, he probably won’t be too upset if you use his songs for anything.

4. Pat Boone, “Friendly Persuasion”

Pretty much the only thing I can tell you about Pat Boone other than the fact that my mother often uses his name as a euphemism for terrible music, is that he, much like Ted Nugent, often writes horrific op-eds for the birther site World Net Daily. Often about how evil Obama is and how much he loves George Zimmerman and god and also doesn’t think racism really exists. Kind of weird since from what I can tell from YouTube, most of his career was spent taking music from black artists and making them as whitebread as humanly possible. Seriously, go listen to his cover of Fats Domino’s “Ain’t That A Shame” and see if you don’t want to die in your face.

I chose this particular song, however, because it sure sounds like the way a lot of Republicans like to think of date rape! Just some friendly persuasion! Plus, the woman Boone is singing to is wearing a bonnet and gloves, which is probably how they’d all like us to dress.

5. Taylor Swift, “Shake It Off”

Sure! Taylor Swift is just about as pathologically litigious as Prince is. However, given that she is a home schooled Christian who performed at the 2008 RNC convention, she might say OK if they asked! And if they didn’t, she might sue, but she probably wouldn’t sue AND say she’d be ashamed to have her music associated with the Republican Party. So, you know, there’s that.

I picked this song A) because it’s actually one of the only Taylor Swift songs I know, and B) because it is sort of appropriate! Because no matter how much people hate them, no matter how much the world changes and becomes more socially liberal, most GOP candidates will stick to their guns and still whine about gay marriage and shit anyway.

6. Jamie Jones, “Pissed Off Rednecks”

This bizarre song went viral on YouTube back in March, but has since been largely forgotten about. As is the way of the internet! Surely, Jamie Jones would appreciate some help in his career. There’s a 99 percent chance he would not sue.

Besides! A song from a dude who is a “Real American” (as opposed to those of us who were born in the North or live in cities), about how eager he is to assassinate people who believe in gun control, and how mad it makes him when he’s tasked with pressing one for English when he calls his cable company, because that’s a really hard thing to do–well, he sure sounds a lot like Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump!

7. Brad Paisley and LL Cool J, “Accidental Racist”

The classic ballad of Brad Paisley feeling discriminated against in a Starbucks for wearing a shirt with a confederate flag on it, and feeling like he shouldn’t be blamed for slavery — and later on having L.L. Cool J personally give him a pass on sporting the Confederate flag. HUH.

8. Creed, “With Arms Wide Open”

OK. Gonna be honest here. I picked this particular Creed song because it is the only Creed song I’ve heard, and I abjectly refuse to know more than one Creed song. Technically I only even know the part that goes “With Arms Wide HOOOOPEN.” Still! I was totally not surprised to find out that Scott Stapp is pretty-right leaning, and that his wife once actually called 911 to report his plans to kill President Obama. So there’s that! I assume Stapp would be pretty OK with anyone in the Republican Party using his songs.

9. Rush, “The Trees”

Rush is perhaps best known for being the most popular band among drummers you’ve regretted dating (if you are anything like me, this would be all of them) — but did you know that they are also hugely into the Ayn Rand? I sure didn’t! Yeah, this whole song is some Ayn Rand-ish analogy I don’t completely understand, but I think the gist of it is that the Maples are bad because they want the sun that rightfully belongs to the Oaks, who are probably like the John Galts of the forest or something, and how they then ruin the forest by trying to make it so they can have sun also. Perfect for any Rand Paul rally!

(h/t Parker Molloy, because I don’t know crap about Rush)

9. Lynyrd Skynyrd, “Sweet Home Alabama”

Given that Lynyrd Skynyrd is probably the best known conservative band ever, I figured something by them had to be included. Probably anything by them is up for grabs, I’d imagine.

ALTHOUGH, do you know that I had it in my head forever that The Eagles were also super conservative. Turns out they’re not! Don Henley is even on the list of musicians who have sued Republicans for using their music! Go know! Although, quite frankly, I really hate the Eagles so if you guys ever wanna do a trade — perhaps for Brian Wilson, whom for my own peace of mind I must believe is only a Republican because he’s got mental problems and was probably manipulated by Mike Love who is the most evil ever — maybe we can work something out.

10. Kid Rock and Hank Williams Jr., “Redneck Paradise”

For obvious reasons.

11. Perry Como, “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows”

Was Perry Como a Republican? I’m not sure, but I feel like he would have been. This song is public domain, anyway, and the dude is dead so he can’t exactly come back from the grave to disparage anyone. I feel like this one could work especially well for those GOP Candidates who are still not giving up the fight to prevent people they don’t even know from marrying people of the same sex.

12. Paul Anka, “You’re Having My Baby”

As with Creed, I am IN NO WAY SURPRISED to discover that Paul Anka is a Republican. It makes all the sense. I hate this song probably more than I hate any other song on the planet, and assume, conversely, that conservatives are probably way the hell into it. Because it’s a song about a woman having a baby. Perhaps, if some eager intern asked nicely, Paul might even be willing to record a version that went more like “You’re Having My Baby (Whether You Like It Or Not)”?