Cheat Sheet: 10 Responses For When Someone Asks You If You’re Pregnant (And You’re Not)

I would not consider myself any great expert in etiquette, but one thing I know never to do is to ask a woman if she is pregnant. There is literally no reason to ever do this. For starters, it’s none of your business what is going on with anyone else’s womb. If they want you to know that they’re pregnant, they will find some way of telling you, trust. Second, if you think someone maybe could be pregnant, based on what you perceive to be some sort of growing stomach situation, guess what? You are probably wrong. If it is not abundantly clear someone is pregnant — like if they do not have a nine-month bump and an inside-out belly button — and you are genuinely unsure, well, I’m sorry, but you’ll have to continue wondering, because ASKING IS RUDE.

I feel like I’m spelling out the obvious, that this little tidbit is a hallmark of basic politeness, but alas, three out of five Frisky staffers have been asked, “Are you pregnant?” in the last three months. I can assure you, we are nowhere near being pregnant or looking pregnant, though I did just enjoy a delicious Italian sub. Given that this question is seemingly unavoidable, and you will be asked “Are you pregnant?” at some point in your life, I decided to put together this handy list of go-to responses to make an awkward situation even more awkward — for the person who was rude enough to ask in the first place.

1. “OH! I’m so sorry. You’ve probably never seen a fat person before. This is probably really unusual for you. Please do let me know if you have any more questions, I know this must be terribly confusing.”

2. “Yeah, I fucked a sandwich on my lunch hour and we’re expecting a beautiful food baby.”

3. “It’s a tumor actually. A large one. Which reminds me — no need to send me a Christmas card this year.”

4. <strangled sob> “No … no … that would be impossible. My husband hasn’t made love to me in years. I think he’s having an affair!”

5. “Actually, I’m a virgin. I’m saving myself for marriage, unlike some people.” <narrow eyes in judgement>

6. “I was. Until five minutes ago.” <start crying>

7. “Yes, but not for long!” <winks>

8. “Um, I’m a practicing Victorian, so I prefer the term ‘with child,’ thank you.”

9. “I wish, but it turns out, I’m barren.”

10. “Wow! I can’t believe you just said that out loud to a stranger! It’s so weird how you don’t have manners!”