15 Deep Thoughts Had While Watching The Kim Davis Rally

Since this shit storm hit the fan and we all began choking on Chick-fil-A-fed evangelical blow back, I’d been adamantly avoiding the topic of Kim Davis. I didn’t want to think about her. I didn’t want to know what the grimace of bigotry across her face looked like. I really didn’t want to have nightmares where she used her FLDS braid to make me a chastity belt, or something like that. If anything, I didn’t want to give her the attention she and all of her zealot pals are seeking. I didn’t want to validate her ignorance by hating her for it. I didn’t want to let her be the martyr that she thinks she sees when she looks in that rusty little Kentucky jail mirror.

But then I made the mistake of leaving CNN on in the background as she was released yesterday, and it all changed for me. The Kim Davis freedom rally that ensued was fascinating. It was disgusting. It was a thrill ride. I didn’t realize that if you said something loudly enough, you could pretend it was true. I very much want to know as much as I can about Kim Davis now, because fact and truth are the keys in dismantling the absurdities that these people are slinging around as scripture and law.

These are the top 15 things I really need to get off my chest after watching:

1. I wonder if Kim Davis and her husband meant to dress like a Grant Wood painting.

2. I very much need to know how her three ex-husbands feel about all of this. Are they jealous/gay/in support of gay marriage/regretting ever letting that woman go?

3. Mike Huckabee is deeply confused on things like laws, freedom, religion, the founding fathers, the constitution, what he refers to as “ninth grade civics,” the difference between God and people, what religion is for and what government is for. You know, general presidential info that presidential hopefuls should know.

4. Mike Huckabee thinks that the Supreme Court decision that granted a freedom is “judicial tyranny.”

5. Mike Huckabee does not think that he can explain America without the “providence of God.” He thinks America is God’s intervention on the world.

6. Ted Cruz seems nice in comparison to Mike Huckabee.

7. Mike Huckabee is confusing a country founded on religious freedom for a country founded on Christian freedom.

8. Mike Huckabee quotes “Forrest Gump.” I cannot help but wonder if he has “Castaway” and “Captain Phillips” in his arsenal as well.

9. Mike Huckabee has offered to go to jail for the next eight years, and we should take him up on his that.

10. Mike Huckabee thinks that Kim Davis is “an elected Democrat,” which he is misusing as a way to say that “this isn’t between Republicans and Democrats.” Which is misleading, and really just making the whole thing feel like free form slam poetry.

11. If I had to say something nice, like when your mom makes you to say something nice, it would be that Evangelicals are an excitable people, and it works for them kind of.

12. Evangelicals give their kids glitter glue to make hate signs.

13. I don’t think the Jews that modern day Christians descended from would think much of the “Christian persecution” that Huckabee is referring to.

14. Kim Davis walked on stage to “Eye of The Tiger.” I’m pretty sure that’s a song about fucking. Most songs are about fucking.

15. And lastly, if anything is the sign of the end of times, it is that jowly woman loving the shit out of being able to preach to a group of people with signs that say “Kim Davis for president,” while Mike Huckabee gently weeps. Feed your dogs, because we’re all going straight to hell for letting this happen.