What Kind Of Asshole Gets This $4000 “Star Wars” Bed For Their Kid?

I admit it — I am cheap as fuck. It took me three years of trying to keep my Family Dollar dress rack intact with duct tape before I sucked it up and bought one that wasn’t going to fall apart every time I got dressed. I had IKEA dressers for 10 years that repeatedly tried to murder me. Also held together with duct tape.

So it really blows my mind when I see a thing like a $4000 children’s bed, from Pottery Barn, in the shape of the Millenium Falcon from “Star Wars,” trending in the news.

FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS! FOR A CHILDREN’S BED! I’m sorry, but this is a fact — if you buy your kid a $4000 bed, that kid is going to be a goddamned asshole. I hate this hypothetical kid already, and everything he or she stands for.

What kind of person spends $4000 on a child’s bed? That is not necessary. Not necessary at all. A kid’s gonna be excited about that for all of two days, and then it’s just gonna be a regular bed. A regular bed that cost $4000, and is probably only going to be a thing that kid even wants until 9th grade at the latest. After that, you know, a little embarrassing. No one is getting to second base in the Millennium Falcon bed.

I would have to assume that any kid who gets a $4000 bed is probably going to get everything else he or she ever wants as well. Think of how annoying that will be! A kid you can never say no to! You are creating a real life Veruca Salt! A monster! Teachers will hate them, and they will probably only have friends who use them for all the fancy stuff their parents buy them because they are otherwise unpleasant to be around.

I did some searching and it looks like you can get some very nice twin beds for around $200-$300. I really think that anyone considering buying this bed for their kid should step back a minute, think about this, and buy a decently priced bed and spend the rest of that money on food for children who are hungry, or beds for children who sleep on the floor. Something! Jesus!

I know there are people who are going to be like “Who are you to tell people how to spend their hard earned money! People work hard to give their kids nice things like $4000 Star Wars bed!”–and sure! They have a point! It’s not technically my business! Spend a weird amount of money on your kid’s bed if you want! Be as tacky and nouveau riche as you like! But don’t come crying to me when that kid later turns out to be a huge asshole, because I warned you.