#TBT: What Was Your Creepiest Doll?

I was never a big fan of dolls as a kid. Partially because I always felt too old for them, partially because I was a particularly fierce feminist and was not about to be gender socialized … and, fine, because my mom told me that when I left the room all of my toys had a big party and I thought that was fucked up of them. Plus, I didn’t like things looking at me.

I did have a few though, from birthday parties and things, and my younger sister Gia was pretty much the Madame Alexander of late-’80s/early-’90s dolls or something. Oh, wait. That would mean she made dolls, not owned them. Whatever, she had a lot of dolls, many of which were super creepy.

Let’s start with possibly the worst – the source of many of my nightmares – the monstrosity that was “Baby Alive.”

My sister had to have this thing. It was all she wanted for Christmas. But guess who ended up having to make Baby Alive’s whirled peas and change Baby Alive’s diaper? This putz. IT WAS THE GROSSEST THING IMAGINABLE.

I didn’t have to feed it, but when you did it would make this awful nightmare chewing face as it would ingest the pale green mush, which would then also spill out of its mouth like it was Linda Blair or some shit. Did not like. A few minutes after that, the gunk traveled through the dolls digestive system and you had to change its diaper. Thrilling!

Apparently Baby Alive is still a thing, and now she looks like an anime character of some sort. Probably still shitting in her pants and expecting patient older sisters to take care of the mess.

Now, this next one I had too. I think we both had one, but I definitely wanted this one because all I ever did with dolls was brush their hair anyway. In retrospect, however, what the fuck?

Yes. A doll where you cranked its arm to change the length of its hair. To what end? I’m not even really sure. All I can tell you is that one of the dolls ended up with a weird hair stump coming out of it’s head, since we cut it off, assuming an endless supply of hair, forever streaming from Dolly Surprise’s head, which there was not.

OH. Then there was this thing.


Waterbaby was meant to be filled with hot water so it all warm and stuff, just like a real baby, but usually we’d just put it in the microwave. Which, in retrospect, is a terrible lesson in parenting.

Now, no list of dolls would be complete without a Barbie. Now, basically all I ever did with Barbies was make them up like Nancy Spungeon and use them as pencil toppers, but my sister had PILES. The most horrifying of which was one called “Locket Surprise Barbie.”

She actually had the one where you opened up her chest cavity and there was a picture of Ken inside, rather than lip gloss. My mom called this doll “Open Heart Surgery Barbie.”

Another doll that I still have nightmares about to this day?

SERIOUSLY, FUCK THIS DOLL. This doll was the purest of evil, specifically on car trips. No matter how cute I think some of the Elizabeth and James shit is, I cannot bring myself to purchase it, because of that evil-ass Talking Michelle doll. I am still furious that such a thing ever existed. Sometimes I have flashbacks and they are unpleasant.

So those are the dolls of my own personal nightmares – what was the creepiest doll you ever had?