President Mike Huckabee Will Outlaw All The Abortions, Protect Bigots

Mike Huckabee, who is currently running for President of these United States, popped into a Google Chat with some conservative pastors to discuss some of his awesome ideas and plans for turning this great nation into the Republic of Gilead.

And just what does he plan to do? Well, for starters, he will ban all the abortions and send all the abortion havers to jail, which is a thing he for some reason believes he can do as an entity that is not the Supreme Court. He will do this despite what the haters think–even if there is rioting in the streets–because he loves the Constitution. Or something!

“I think that the bolder and more important and more urgent position is to invoke the constitutional rights of the unborn, recognizing them as persons, expecting lawsuits, expecting extraordinary pushback, and goodness, perhaps riots in the streets.”

“I think that we have tinkered around the edges so long that we failed to go back to the original purpose of the Bill of Rights and we have simply not applied it. Frankly, I don’t know of any of us who are pro-lifers who would argue, ‘well that is really not a person,’ so the question is: Do we believe that the unborn child is a person? If we do, then we ought to act like that is a person and give them the protections that they are due under the Constitution.”

Yes, the Constitution. Which Huckabee loves. Which can actually only be interpreted by the Supreme Court and not the president, because that’s not the president’s job. But you know, he totally loves the constitution. LOVES IT. Except for the parts he doesn’t love.

Huckabee also fielded a question from Pastor Douglas Wilson, who once co-wrote a pamphlet about how awesome slavery was (ACTUAL QUOTE!!!! “slavery produced in the South a genuine affection between the races that we believe we can say has never existed in any nation before the War or since.”). Wilson was upset about both “same sex mirage,” and the fact that people who oppose gay marriage and wish to not bake cakes for gay weddings have been “legally designated” as bigots, which is not a real thing.

Huckabee vowed that he would never refer to same-sex marriage as marriage because he is a linguistic prescriptivist and the term “marriage” can only mean a marriage between a man and a woman. Of course, some of the nuance of his theory was perhaps lost in translation as he was, naturally, speaking in Chaucer’s English.

He then stated that he would offer “constitutional” protection for bigots, allowing them to discriminate against gay people to their hearts content–his particular concern being that Christian Colleges could lose federal grants for discriminating against gay people. Which they should. Because if they want to take money from the US Government, they should have to abide by its laws.

Quite honestly, I’m not sure that any religious institutions should be getting federal money to begin with. Given that so many right-wingers seem to believe that instead of receiving welfare, poor people should just rely on charity and the kindness of churches, perhaps they could figure out a way to fund their schools on their own. Given that they have an easy enough time funding private jets for televangelists, I’m sure they could figure this out.

Mike Huckabee is currently polling at about 4% among Iowa caucus-goers, so unless he decides to interpret the constitution to mean he can appoint himself president, we probably don’t actually have to worry about him too much.

[DesMoines Register]