PSA: A Freaking Dolphin Is Not Qualified To Be Your Midwife

Remember that old sketch on “The Animaniacs,” “Good Idea, Bad Idea”?


Sure you do! Let’s play that game for a second, shall we? OK!

GOOD IDEA: Giving birth in a hospital with a qualified doctor!

BAD IDEA: Giving birth in the middle of the ocean, assisted by a freaking dolphin.

This is a thing one would imagine would be common sense. You know, given that it’s not like dolphins go to medical school or have any kind of specialized training or anything.

BUT NO. NO. Of course there are people out there who think “dolphin-assisted birth” is a swell idea. Which, for the love of god, it definitely is not. Like, according to actual biologists, it is a terrible idea and probably very, very dangerous. What with them being wild animals and all. Wild animals that are actually, like, way fond of gang rape and actually pretty violent.

The latest geniuses to attempt this whole dolphin-assisted birth thing are Dorina Rosin and her partner Maika Suneagle. Rosin and Suneagle are documenting this experience for the BBC documentary, “Katie Piper’s Extraordinary Births.”

Here is Rosin, 38-weeks pregnant, swimming around the ocean trying to pick out which dolphin she thinks would make the best doula, while receiving a “dolphin blessing.” Because she thinks a freaking dolphin can bless her, or even knows what the hell she is even doing there. Which it cannot and does not, because it is a dolphin.

Although people have been flapping their gums about “dolphin assisted birth” for some time now, I have searched and searched and searched and have not been able to find a single actual account of someone who has actually done it, which makes me pretty suspicious.

I mean, in this day and age, with the internet, you would think there would be at least something. Like a “I had a dolphin assisted birth AMA” on Reddit or an xoJane “It Happened To Me: A Dolphin Helped Me Give Birth” essay or something, but no. I wasn’t even able to find any kind of followup on the last couple who made headlines for wanting a dolphin obstetrician. So I am really starting to think these people are full of shit on more than one level.

I get wanting to think dolphins are magical. Sort of. I actually don’t think I’d want dolphins (or humans) to have magic powers, because that seems dangerous, but whatever. It’s probably a real exciting idea if you’re an indigo child or something. But dolphins are not magical. And they are not qualified to be your midwife or to help you give birth, to heal you or to bless you or to do anything really other than just swim around being dolphins. Because, again, they’re dolphins.

[NY Daily News]