Did Taylor Swift Fart At The VMAs? An Investigation
As you might have heard, the VMAs were not but two days ago — eons, if you’re measuring units of time by the length of the shadow your outrage casts. Lots and lots of things happened! Nicki Minaj came for Miley. Miley told us all how much she loved marijuana and freed her nipple. Justin Bieber flew into the sky and touched down on Earth again, a changed man. And Taylor Swift possibly passed gas as she introduced her newest video for “Wildest Dreams.”
It’s as if her body knew that the video she was about to announce was a hot mess, and betrayed her at the very moment that she most needed its unwavering support. Taylor, was it you? Was it? Was it?
It’s not like that wasn’t a fart. It is unmistakeably a fart. It’s the fart of someone who has spent a lot of time walking around in a very tight dress, clenching their ass shut until they find a moment of peace, of silence, of respite from the cameras, the microphones, the shiny-skinned entertainment news hosts asking them pointed questions about who they’re wearing or which artists they’re looking forward to seeing. That fart has been trapped in intestinal purgatory, desperately guiding its owner towards a potted plant or an abandoned step and repeat, hoping that neither space has been mic’ed for audio. It needed to get out. It bided its time. It waited.
Taylor, if you farted on television while announcing your toot of a music video, you win some points. I will take solace in this assumed truth. It was you, right? It WAS you.