7 Expensive Anthropologie Items That Prove Money Can’t Fill The Void

People primarily consider Anthropologie a high-end clothing store, a sister of the expensive hand-crafted boutiques we regularly walk past — but it also serves as a great reminder that no matter how much money you make, or how many reclaimed wooden broaches you can afford, none of it will ultimately fill the deep existential void inside you. As I browsed through the site, these seven items in particular spoke to me, whispering, “We are very expensive, and will still not impart meaning!”

1. An inspiring $1,600 Alpaca hood

This handmade designer accessory is perfect for anyone who’s wondered how they could successfully combine their love of spirit-hoods with the aesthetics of a deeply sad hunter who is desperately trying to engage in relevant fashion as a distraction from the increasingly glaring void. Also it’s ON SALE from its original price of $3,200! SOLLLLLD.


2. A $200 “reclaimed wood” stump

Now on sale from the original prices, which ranged from $300-$400, Anthropologie fanatics seeking a rustic night-table, or nostalgic folks looking to cry deeply and live out the heartbreaking final scene from “The Giving Tree” as expensively as possible, can now shell out a few hundred for a repurposed stump!


3. A $250 cashmere beanie

This completely indistinct beanie is perfect for women who want to mirror the laid-back aesthetic of a generic thrift-store find, while still managing to shell out hundreds of dollars for a glorious material their hair won’t let them truly feel! The increased heat retention is excellent for increasing blood circulation while customers consider the infinite void.


4. These $178 terrestrial clogs

Despite a general distaste for clogs, I have witnessed all shape and color of clog and seen many that married comfort to some semblance of style. On the contrary, THESE clogs appear as if the designer considered making functional winter boots, and then said: “Naw, let’s make them $200 clogs, and pawn them off at Anthropologie!” In their defense, these clogs are very convenient to slip-on while going on leisurely walks to consider the spiritual emptiness in your soul that Anthropologie can never fill.


5. A $22 birch log bundle

This home and garden decoration is an ideal purchase for customers that own the re-purposed stump, and feel it’s time to add another member to their pastoral wooden family. This decorative log bundle is ideal for placing in various spaces in your house that serve as voids for fireplaces, but unfortunately will not fill the hole in your heart!


6. A $448 wooden squirrel holding a lightbulb

This little critter probably doesn’t cast enough light to read even a picture book with enormous type, let alone brighten the darkness in your soul. But who cares? He’s just adorable!!!


7. A $68 birch wood broom

Put away your Swiffer! Shut off the vacuum! The only cleaning tool you need is this super expensive birch broom from Sweden! It won’t sweep away even the tiniest bit of your troubles, but it will give you that Cinderella-before-the-ball vibe you’ve always wanted, fairy godmother not included.