VMA 2015 Liveblog: We’re All In This Together

 

Tonight, at 9pm EST, the 2015 VMAs will descend upon your television screen, assaulting your eyes and your ears with the glory that is modern pop music at this moment in time. Noted pansexual Miley Cyrus is your capable host, Kanye West is receiving the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard award and Taylor Swift is sure to flail spectacularly in a fashion that only Taylor Swift can.

Because we are gluttons for punishment, we will be live-blogging our emotions starting at 8pm EST, so join us if you feel compelled to watch potentially entertaining train wrecks like we do!

7:56pm This is the game face of a woman who is going to unhinge her jaw and eat your entire life. That cat eye is actually weaponized. Let this light your way throughout the rest of these hours.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

8:03pm I feel like an elderly person, because I have no idea what a “Walk The Moon” is, but I can tell you right now that this song is hot garbage :) :) :) Also Sway cut his hair, and Demi Lovato looks….insane. ALSO WHY ARE THERE DOGS THERE?!

IN OTHER NEWS. Your host looks like this, and she appears to be wearing fake dreds.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

8:16pm: Chrissy. Fucking. Teigen. Never. Stops. Killing. It. This lace/mesh/spangled net that’s clinging to her body for dear life is working for me. John, as usual, is the best accessory. Also, I guess you can adopt the dogs, as per the blonde man clutching the precious puppy who seems despondent. Let’s just look at Chrissy, yes?

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

8:22pm: I went up to shove Chinese food in my gullet and returned to discover that Fall Out Boy is still, somehow, relevant.

8:32pm: Is Todrick Hall’s thing to just…do covers of other songs? Also, sorry, what is a Mahogany Lox.

Hey, Nicki, what’s up, you look fucking great.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

8:41pm: Taylor won something. Oh.

Hey, let’s look at Kim and Kanye, one of who is wearing a sweatsuit, the other who appears to be wearing an off-the-rack Michael Kors resort special. I will let you parse that out for yourself.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

8:55pm: “Is this ‘The English Patient”‘? — my friend’s insight on this Taylor Swift “film.”

8:57pm: Mood boards on Pinterest Taylor made to storyboard this fucking video: Elizabeth Taylor!!!!, What If I Had Brown Hair?!, I Feel Bad For Cecil The Lion.

9:00pm: FINALLY. AND NICKI IS OPENING WITH “TRINI DEM GIRLS” I CAN’T YESSS.

TRINI DEM GYALS

9:03pm:  Does anyone else want to punch Taylor in her smug and self-satisfied FACEEEEEE. Guys. NO.

9:08: Macklemore, can you Mackleless. Can you like…take your Sesame Street x West Side Story situation literally anywhere else.  Thanks. Also, what/who is this Freddie Mercury-esque person you’ve resurrected?

9:12: Miley, your dreads have no place here. Neither does your weird and not very good monologue that threw yourself to this skit.

MILEY CYRUS DREDS CAN U NOT

9:17pm: Bruno Mars, my favorite pocket-sized man aside from Kendrick, snatches “Best Male Video”, and accepts the video with a bootleg Matthew McConaughey. God bless.

9:28: Things I am tired of right now, a half hour in: Miley’s hipbones, her dreads. Things I am still somehow NOT tired of: this Weekend song. Things I will be happy to never see again: Taylor Swift dancing.

9:31pm: Nicki Minaj won an award, shouted out her pastor and then called out Miley, and Miley…..avoided the question. Like, avoided the question and then fucking broadcast an entire multi-story picture of herself twerking. “It’s just an award.” Was that staged? Maybe? Yes?

NICKI GIF

I mean…Let’s just look at this. Interpret at your own risk.

Hey, and then this? Hm.

9:46pm: Taylor wins something blah blah blah Blank Space blah blah, and really, just, nope. How benevolent of our overlord to let the man who directed the fucking video actually speak. But, she probably only let him because he said all those nice things about her.

9:52pm: A thought, while Demi Lovato gyrates: Miley Cyrus is trying really damn hard to get us to think she’s a walking ecstasy trip. Anyone that tries that hard to make you think that they’re ~CRAZY~ is fishy as fuck. Don’t you ever forget that. Also, this.

10:03pm: Justin Bieber still kind of looks like Shane from “The L Word” even with that hat on, but this performance isn’t upsetting me. Maybe he knows the hair is god-fucking-awful, and wants to hide it from the world.

10:08pm: IS HE CRYING? Also he flew.

BIEBER TEARS

10:19pm: WHY is Miley Cyrus’s pet pig speaking in Snoop Dogg’s voice as she pretends to be high AF from a weed brownie in a really awful skit? Why is she dressed as a rainbow flag? Why did she call Snoop her “real Mammy”?

10:29pm:  RED ALERT: A commercial for a joke something called “White Squad” is definitely not okay, just a friendly reminder.

10:34pm: Taylor’s FACE as she so seriously delivers this Kanye-praise. And Taylor’s FACE as she calls him her “friend”.

10:45pm: Kanye’s going in on MTV while he’s on MTV. “I still don’t understand awards shows…I just wanted people to like me more.”

KANYE

10:46pm: “Art ain’t always gonna be polite.” YOU’RE RIGHT.

10:49pm: “I have decided, in 2020, to run for President.”

10:59pm: Rendered temporarily speechless/dead from Kanye, brb.

11:07pm: Gigi Hadid is so beautiful, but the illusion is shattered, sadly, when she opens her mouth. But, that mustard is really working for her. Also, is the singer of this weird band that’s performing with A$AP Rocky tattooed on the neck or is that just dirt? Is it a body stocking that cuts off right under the throat?

11:17pm: Somehow, this show is still on. Miley is going to do “something” at the end of this show. Oh look, Taylor Swift won again. Oh, look, her “squad”‘s up there. Oh, and she thanked Kendrick. Oh, and she’s boring.

11:22: Did we see Miley’s nip on live TV?

11:25: IS MILEY JUST SINGING ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE SMOKES POT IS SHE 12 YEARS OLD?

11:29PM: Oh. Cool. Awesome. Wow. I love you, Miley. New album, if you want. Bye! This is over! Bye!