How To Be A Hotwife: The Ultimate Vegas Packing Guide

What’s that you say? Your papa was a one-eyed jack of hearts and mama was a giant box of chardonnay? In that case, it sounds like you might have exactly what it takes to be a fabulous Hotwife of Las Vegas. But as simple as the rich bitches of Hulu’s hit comedy series make it look, you can’t just show up on the strip with a set of fake eyelashes and a handbag full of dreams. If you’re going to make it, you’ll need to pack your bags carefully. A few key items to be sure you shove into your portmanteau:

Several Wigs

Yes, yes, you’re beautiful just the way you are. But in Vegas, where everything is bigger, brighter, and badder, you’ll need at least double the hair that’s already on top of your head. A wig is a must. And there’s no reason to stop with just one — on days when you really need to make an impression, nothing says true glamour like the fabulous wig-on-top-of-another-wig look. Dare to be unforgettable!

Pasties

A true Hotwife simply never knows when she’s going to find herself spinning on the pole. So be prepared, and have a set of your sparkliest boobie-tassels ready to slap on at a moment’s notice. Even when you’re dangling upside down by your ankles, a lady needs to maintain some mystery. Gals, keep those areolae covered!

Feathers

Speaking of being prepared: accidents happen. And that means that sometimes a showgirl trips when she’s heading out for the big closing number that’s going to catapult her straight to Sin City stardom. It’s not your fault she didn’t notice your ankle was in her way! When you get shoved out onstage to take her place at the last minute, you’re going to need to be able to improvise an extravagant headdress on the spot. Fame is knocking, and a bag full of feathers will make all the difference.

Plastic Drinking Straws

If you’re going to be a Hotwife, you’re going to be doing a lot of dainty, ladylike binge-drinking. Sipping straight from the glass will smudge your lipstick and leave you looking like a clown. (And not the sexy kind of clown!) Even when imbibing the most expensive of champagnes, always form your lips into a perfect O and drink only from a plastic straw.

A Little Dog

Among the many items a Hotwife’s handbag should contain, a little dog is perhaps the most important. Not only is a miniature pooch essential for your personal brand, it also provides all the benefits of a portable friend or employee without any of the drawbacks. That tiny dog makes a perfect confidante, but will never dump a cocktail on your head or try to upstage you for the cameras. Plus: with a little extra work, you can train your furry friend to bite a bitch in the face if anyone tries to start some shit with you.

A Catchphrase

What is a Hotwife without a memorable catchphrase that reflects her unique personality and style? It’s not enough to think of a phrase: you have to be able to remember it later, and repeat it over and over any time the cameras are rolling. It’s harder than it sounds! Even the shortest sentence can easily slip your mind when you’ve got a rival Hotwife pinned down on the craps table after a tequila-fueled slapfight. So whatever phrase you settle on, write it on an index card and pack it safely with your luggage so you can consult it at a moment’s notice.

A Large Sack of Body Glitter

You’ll never make it as a Hotwife if you don’t maintain a proper beauty regimen. Rather than bathing, you’ll need to cover yourself in glitter. Be sure not to miss a spot!

A Ventriloquist’s Dummy

Look, not everyone’s cut out for this Hotwife thing, and you’ll want to have a fallback just in case it doesn’t pan out. Las Vegas is always in need of another ventriloquist, so make room in your suitcase for a dummy.

And there you have it, kittens: everything you need to make it in Vegas. If you missed the premier of The Hotwives of Las Vegas, check out the best moments here.

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