One Day Less: Laughing In The Face Of Death

Death and taxes are a fact of life. Unfortunately for more than 70,000 women (and men) in the U.S. between the ages of 20-39, they will add cancer to that list too, more specifically breast cancer. It’s a growing epidemic striking more women per year and at younger ages. In fact, every day, three women under the age of 40 die from this disease and after the age of 35, it becomes one of most common ways a woman will die. Under this shit-pile of facts is one woman’s story.

Of all the worst-case scenarios, going to the doctor for a routine check-up only to be told you’re going to die is among the very worst of the worst-case scenarios. Since I’ve tackled that one, I can tell you that any disappointment that comes after is cake. Take it from one who knows: being too serious about anything, even mortality, is no way to live. Even when facing death, there is absurdity and anything laughable can’t be that bad.

Yes, dreadfully, I was born a tenacious optimist and will always loop back around to the hopeful side of things when given enough time, candy and purses. To prove my point, here are my top ten perks of premature death (in descending order):

10. I’ve instantly turned my pot dealers into political activists.

9. Fuck headphone volume control, I’ll listen as loud as I want.

8. Even while lying on my couch with crumbs covering me and deeply involved in a TV marathon, I am fighting a deadly disease. So badass.

7. Anyone I haven’t seen in a while gets extra excited to see me, just because I’m still alive.

6. Whenever I buy myself anything, it’s kinda like donating to charity.

5. As a stage-4 cancer patient, going to the gym, even for 10 minutes of half-assing it on the elliptical, makes me sound tough as nails.

4. Now that I know I won’t be dying from diabetes or heart disease, I can load up on the sugar and fat.

3. Leaving everyone wanting more.

2. I’ll get to reunite with all my dead pets!

1. Getting to chance to haunt the shit out of my enemies and other random assholes.

Our anonymous One Day Less blogger is officially on Twitter. Follow her at @QSpinsterella.