The Essential Fill-In-The-Blank Maid Of Honor Speech

Maid of honor speeches! Barf my face off, right?! It’s like, “Everyone, please welcome to the microphone this woman-shaped sweat blob in wobbly shoes and a champagne-colored dress that shows every outline of her Spanx bulge. Now: be funny and adorable, woman-shaped blob lady!”

What a no-thanks nightmare! Instead of wasting a weekend writing a speech you hate and are terrified to deliver, try filling in the blanks to this speech and reading it with a robotic smile during your maid of honor panic blackout. Good luck!

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Hi everyone! I’m [YOUR NAME], the bride’s [YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO THE BRIDE]. I’m a horrible pubic speaker. Oh my God, did I say pubic? I’m really nervous. Can you tell I’m sweating through my dress? I don’t want to make this all about me, but if I faint, please do call an ambulance.

Can I just say how lovely the bride looks? You’re like a [HOW SHE IS DIFFERENT FROM AUDREY HEPBURN] Audrey Hepburn.

[BRIDE’S NAME] and I met in [WHERE AND WHEN YOU MET]. She had a [OUTDATED HAIRCUT], and I was wearing a [OUTDATED FASHION TREND]. We both thought [EMBARRASSING PASSÉ BAND] was the pinnacle of artistic expression. (Pause for laughter.)

One of my first memories of [BRIDE’S NAME] was when she [TRY TO DREDGE UP FROM YOUR VODKA-SOAKED MEMORY A TIME WHEN SHE DID SOMETHING COOL OR FUNNY] and I was like, “This girl is [COOL AND/OR FUNNY]. I gotta keep her around.”

And what can I say, we’ve been [RELATIONSHIP TO THE BRIDE] ever since, and I couldn’t be more grateful to have [BRIDE’S NAME] in my life.

Now [GROOM’S NAME] is another story.

I’m totally kidding. [GROOM’S NAME] is an amazing guy, and his parents should be so proud. (Look at his parents.) Thank you for raising a man who washes his hands. (Pause for laughter.)

I’ve never seen [BRIDE’S NAME] happier than when she’s with [GROOM’S NAME]. Except maybe that one time we [SOMETHING “CRAZY” YOU DID TOGETHER, LIKE ATE POT BROWNIES BEFORE COLLEGE GRADUATION], but that is neither here nor there. (Look at bride’s parents.) I promise, the whole thing was my idea.

Today, [BRIDE’S NAME] and [GROOM’S NAME] vowed to love each other as long as they both shall live. But these vows were written when people lived to the age of 35—when “I love you forever,” meant, “I love you until one of us inevitably gets dysentery.” Today, vowing your eternal love is a bigger commitment than any previous generation, which is really scary! I wonder if medical research has ever been sponsored by a divorce attorney.* Anyway, I can’t think of any couple that can handle forever—how ever long that may be—like [BRIDE’S NAME] and [GROOM’S NAME].

I could tell [BRIDE’S NAME] and [GROOM’S NAME] were meant for each other when we were all at [A PLACE] and [A PROBLEM THAT OCCURRED] I thought the whole day was going to be ruined, but [BRIDE OR GROOM’S NAME] just looked at [BRIDE OR GROOM’S NAME] and said, “[REASSURING THING THEY SAID].” It made me realize that they bring the best out in each other, and that love doesn’t make everything perfect, but it does make life better. I’m not even going to try to make this into a joke—that’s how much I mean it. (Pause for light laughter.)

You two are an inspiration, and I’m so happy you found each other. I can’t wait to continue to witness your journey as a couple, and to come over to your [COMPLIMENTARY DESCRIPTION OF WHERE THEY LIVE] and raid your fridge. Married people always have the best food.

I love you both. Congratulations [BRIDE’S NAME] and [GROOM’S NAME] .

You guys, I didn’t faint!

*Only use this line if everyone is drunk, liberal, and edgy.