9 Breakfast Hacks That Will Totally Blow Your Mind And Change Your Very Life

Hacks are a thing now! I know, because I see a lot of articles around the interwebs offering to explain how to hack up my entire life and everything I do. For instance, I saw this article the other day on The Cut, titled “5 Fully Reasonable Breakfast Hacks,” which featured four somewhat complicated breakfast recipes, and a suggestion to pre-cut your smoothie ingredients and put them in the freezer for future use!

So I thought to myself, “Robyn, you also eat breakfast! I bet you could write an article like this!” and here we are. These are my super amazing and definitely impressive real-life breakfast hacks.

1. Eat a Peach (and a handful of popcorn)


This is what I am having for breakfast today! A peach! It was pretty good what with peaches being in season and all. Then I had some Skinny Pop popcorn, because it was right there on the counter and that shit is delicious and addictive as hell. Although it’s probably not technically “Skinny Pop” if you are going through several bags a week.

2. Strawberries and Cream Porridge avec hot water from the faucet


One of the best things about moving to Chicago was that the grocery stores here carried entire boxes of Strawberries and Cream porridge! Back in Rochester, they only had it in the variety pack with the four packages of peach and two each of strawberry, banana and blueberry. Which quite frankly was ridiculous because they had whole entire boxes of peach! And I like peach! But not the banana or the blueberry! So it was a really rough time for me.

Anyway, Strawberries and Cream porridge is the best kind of porridge. BUT, if you boil the water or put it in the microwave it comes out wrong. And like, gooey. The best way to make it, obviously, is to run the faucet until the water is as hot as it will get and then just use that. Duh. No clumps!

3. Cold Pizza or Chinese food!

chinese food and pizza

WOAH! How amazing is this? Remember that pizza or Chinese food your ordered last night? You can have that exact same thing for breakfast today! Except cold! Just open the refrigerator, open the box and eat while waiting for your coffee to be done. It is practically like magic.

4. Just Put More Cinnamon On Everything!

cinnamon toast

You know that thing that has cinnamon in it? ADD MORE. Put it in your coffee! Put it on your waffles! Put it on your toast! And on your cinnamon raisin toast! Put it on your porridge! Add it to your cinnamon applesauce! MORE CINNAMON.

5. Have some cereal!

cracklin oat bran

OK, so here is how this works! You put the cereal into a bowl, and then you pour some milk on top of it. Cracklin’ Oat Bran, obviously, is the best cereal because you don’t have to shovel it into your mouth at high speed for fear of it getting soggy, which is the worst thing that can happen to cereal–or anything, really. The second best cereal is Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which unfortunately does get soggy. The third best is Raisin Bran Crunch, followed by Special K with cinnamon-sugar on it.

6. Keep a can of pineapple in your sidetable!


You know what? SOMETIMES YOU WANT A FEW EXTRA MINUTES IN BED, OK? And actually getting up to make breakfast seems like a giant pain in the ass. However! If you keep a couple cans of pineapple in your side table, BOOM, breakfast in bed.

I’m not kidding, I actually do this.

7. I don’t know, eat a fucking bagel?


Bagels are great. Unless you are in Chicago in which case they are mostly just regular bread with a hole in the middle because barely anyone here understands that they are supposed to be boiled first. It’s super weird. I have found a few that are OK though. The ideal bagel is either cinnamon raisin (obviously) or onion. Unless you’re near a Bruegger’s, in which case you should order a sundried tomato bagel with sundried tomato paste and provolone, for that is a jam.

PRO TIP: While you should put cinnamon on everything, putting cinnamon sticks on your bagel plate is totally unnecessary and kind of a weird waste when you think about it.

8. Rye toast, duh.

rye bread

In order to achieve this magnificent and perfect breakfast dish, take two pieces of rye bread (caraway seeds or GTFO), put them in the toaster, make your coffee, smoke a cigarette, and then when they pop out of the toaster, put butter on them. TADA.

9. Get a muffin or a croissant or whatever from the coffee shop.


I work from home and have several coffee shop options on my block, but perhaps you pass a bakery or a coffee shop on your way to work! You can get breakfast things from there. Sometimes they even have breakfast sandwiches. This particular method works for me when I have run out of coffee.

So there you go. I have hacked breakfast. You’re welcome.food