The Frisky Reacts To Men Reacting To Taking Their Wives’ Last Names

Welp! Looks like Thought Catalog has done it again! Behold, an article titled “15 Men React To The Idea Of Taking Their Wife’s Last Name After Marriage,” in which 14 douchebags and one reasonable sounding dude explain how terrible it would be to take their wife’s name.

As you can imagine, they said some incredibly stupid things. And thus, allow us to present our reactions to some of their reactions!

1. “I run the house—handle the cleaning, make the money, plan the vacations, arrange most meals, etc. My wife is a chill ass woman, so a lot of that is just informed by our different personality types. But since I’m the one doing all the work, I think I’ve earned the right to have her take my name.”— Oscar, 31 

annie hall la di da

Wait a minute here—aren’t those pretty much the things that women were expected to handle throughout most of the past few centuries? Now you do them and believe this earns you the “right” to have her take your last name?

2. “If hoards of men started taking their wives’ surnames, it would be an unfortunate and perhaps irreversible step towards a matriarchal goddess culture, which blows for guys because those cultures used to routinely kill male infants and treat males like slaves. In a world where there are already very few incentives for men to get legally shackled, this is one slippery slope I wouldn’t want to slide down.” — Ricky, 27

willy wonka pure imagination

Oh Ricky. If we wanted to get rid of you all, we could have done it years ago with the advent of the vibrator and the turkey baster. Technically, you all have more incentive to “get shackled” than we do.

3. “There’s something so emasculating about the notion of a man washing away his name altogether. The thought makes me uncomfortable, and kind of angry.” — Edgar, 25

life's not fair

And yet, Edgar probably does not feel angry over the idea of a woman taking his name. Because it’s not like we have identities or anything like that.

4. “No way. Rationale? It’s half a biological impulse, and half a contextual thing. Biologically, the word ‘domain’ keeps popping into my head. That sounds misogynistic, I know. But at my core, when all is said and done, I believe that the family is my domain. For instance, in any hypothetical state of emergency, I’m going be the one to sacrifice my life to save my wife and children. I should be the one whose name lives on.”— Raul, 29

cruella laughing

RAUL IS MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN, OK?

What I’d like to know, though–is if Raul would change his last name to his wife’s if she died saving his life. Or can women-folk not do that? I’m not clear on the rules here, Raul.

5. “I guess if it was her number one sticking point, I’d be down. But I do quite like my last name. You can be president with a name like mine.”— William, 24

amy poehler blinking

Unless this dude’s last name is literally OBAMA, then I am really not sure what he’s getting at here. What, pray tell, makes a last name “presidential?” And aren’t some other things required, other than having what I am going to guess is an especially WASPy last name, in order to be president?

6. “My sense is that on a genetic level women want to marry up and part of marrying up is that they’re buying into a certain kind of—for lack of a better word—dynasty, and that means taking a man’s name. For a man to change his name to her name would be to reverse a longstanding sociological phenomenon and I just don’t think a lot of women let alone men actually want that.”— Kyle, 27

joan collins get out of my sight

OH KYLE. No woman is trying to marry into your dynasty, unless you’re somehow related to Joan Collins and there’s a magnificent shoulder pad inheritance involved, OK?

7. “Listen, I’m a feminist. But we have to draw the line somewhere. Equal rights shouldn’t come at the cost of upending all established conventions. Why get married at all if you don’t want to embrace the related traditions?”— Elijah, 27

beyonce laughing

WE HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE WITH THIS EQUALITY STUFF! — Male Feminist.

8. “I have some friends out west who’ve done the combo last name thing for the baby, and that seems fair. Starting a new lineage is kind of cool. But taking her name? That’s not fair. That’s just lame. No thanks.”— Ethan, 30

rihanna sips tea

I need to know–why is that somehow less “lame” than a woman taking her husband’s last name? Whence your logic, Ethan?

*****

In conclusion, no one should marry any of these dudes, for any reason. I’m not saying I would inflict my last name upon anyone (it was rough enough for me), but I certainly wouldn’t bother with any dude who thought doing so was somehow akin to having his penis lobbed off.