The 10-Step Guide To Being A Total Creep To Women, According To The Founder Of A Harry Potter Fan Site

Here’s a story of a woman named Grace and a guy named Ben who refused to be ignored. Grace is a writer at Buzzfeed, while Ben is a guy she’s been familiar with since her youthful days in the Harry Potter online fan club realm. Grace and Ben don’t know each other in real life, but they are Facebook friends thanks to that mutual love of Harry Potter. Ben recently followed Grace on Twitter and what happened next is essentially a 10-Step Guide To Being A Total Fucking Creep To Women. Watch and learn (what NOT to do)…

Step 1: Tweet a message to a woman you’ve never met before, expecting a response in return. When she faves your tweet, but does not respond, send additional tweets to the woman’s attention, hopeful that she’ll catch on that you are not satisfied with the amount of attention, or lack thereof, that she’s given you.

Step 2: When she still hasn’t responded in the timely manner you expect, conclude that the only thing to do is to ramp things up in the form of direct message and more words. Words like “hyperactively beautiful” and sort of joking marriage proposals (two of them!) and “soul mates” and compliments about her personality and talent, because she probably has low self esteem and is just intimidated. Make it clear, though, that you’re ALL BUSINESS and just want to work together. End your lengthy message with a creepy smiley face, but negate the creepiness by sending a followup message acknowledging the creepiness. Works every time.

Step 3: When she finally replies and graciously lets you know that she has a boyfriend, immediately try to stalk her FB and Twitter for evidence of this alleged boyfriend. Fail, because she’s blocked you on both. Consider accepting that she’s just not interested in you, professionally or otherwise, and moving on. Decide that would be a pussy move, because that bitch owes you an explanation. GET MAD.

Step 4: Proceed to inundate her with tweets, calling her names, making fun of her employer, implying that she’s stupid for not realizing what an amazing asset to her career you would be and implying that you had an AMAZZZZZZZZING unspecified, high-paying job for her but NOT ANYMORE, BITCH.

Step 5: Realize that sputtering your entitled rage in 140-character tweets is not ideal. Craft a 1500 word screed putting her in her place. But save it in your drafts folder, because you are a GENTLEMAN and gentlemen don’t send 1500 word emails when they are sad or mad.

Step 6: Instead, send her a 300 word email, but reference the 1500 words you wrote but didn’t send, so she knows how mad you were before you talked yourself down like a MATURE GENTLEMAN. Apologize, even though you don’t mean it, for anything you might have done in the aforementioned tweets and Facebook messages that she might have found “creepy,” even though everyone knows that “creep” is just lady lingo for “misunderstood nice guy.”

Step 7: Again, emphasize that you are ALL BUSINESS. You just want to help out her career! After all, you see talent in her despite the fact that she is underutilized in her stupid job at a massively successful company that she has given no indication she wants to leave. But you know better! You’ve been stalking her Twitter! You can sense the dissatisfaction and turmoil! She needs you! Surely she will now see how generous you are with your compliments and your vague job offers and your negging and your overarching sense of familiarity with her formed solely on the basis that you both were part of the same Harry Potter fan community as teenagers!

Step 8: When she still doesn’t respond and in fact has made your communications public, leading the whole hullabaloo to go viral, defend yourself by claiming that despite what you said in your email, your intent was actually to “intentionally punch up” at a Buzzfeed writer and cackle about how she — and all the SHEEPLE supporting her — took the bait. YOU ARE SO SMART. Bet that bitch actually thought you wanted to hire her AND fuck her. HA! This is actually about ethics in online journalism or something! Maybe Gawker will hire you now.

Step 9: When she makes public that other women have contacted her about being harassed by you, take a cue from Donald Trump, future President of the United States Of Creepy Motherfuckers, and make a joke about how she’s on her period. BOO YAH. SUCK IT. PWNED. WINNNNNING.

Step 10: Reel back in a few women though — you do want to get laid IRL someday, because masturbating furiously to Ron and Hermione BDSM fanfic ain’t cutting it anymore — by comparing your unjust persecution to the backlash against Dr. Dre. He hit a woman, while you only harassed one. Then, issue a statement to the media, touting your flawless record as the Most Feminist Man Ever For Whom Womankind Should Be Grateful:

I have done more for the cause of advancing women’s rights than any of the people who are criticizing me. This so-called crisis is manufactured by Ms. Spelman as a way to increase her profile as a social justice warrior. I grew up without a father and I spent years protecting my mother from scummy men and dealing with all of the difficulties that come with not having a male role model. Am I rough around the edges? Sure. Am I a predator? Absolutely not. If you read the email I sent Ms. Spelman it was not threatening and was filled with apologies. I even offered to connect her with people who could help her career. I had no interest in continuing contact with her afterwards since I was offended by the manner in which she ended our interaction. I represent no threat to her and her painting me into a villain and sending all of her sycophants after me is incredibly disappointing and immature. My attorney tells me I have a case already but I’m not going to go that route unless Ms. Spelman continues to attempt to unjustly tarnish my image.

Masturbate profusely in celebration, even though you’ve already spanked it to every Ron and Hermione scene available. Feel unjustly victorious even though you are the laughingstock of today’s internet.