Christian Vloggers Sam & Nia Say Their Pregnancy Was “Staged” By God, Which Makes Sense (LOL, No, It Doesn’t)

Christian YouTube vlogosphere stars Sam and Nia told the world that they were pregnant via a crazy video in which Sam stole his wife’s urine out of a toilet, administered a pregnancy test, and waved the positive results around in her face like a child proud of a spectacular balloon animal. The video went viral, and then, a couple days later, the couple posted a followup video saying they’d had a miscarriage. Now, they have a new vlog up that works through some of their feelings about the not-at-all-planned media whirlwind and sudden internet notoriety, addressing all the “haters” who can’t seem to put down the “haterade.”

In the video, the family goes to Starbucks and opens mail from their fans and supporters including a helpful tome about miscarriages. They eat barbecue with their friend, Matt and inexplicably take a tour of Matt’s office at the University of Texas. Then, when Nia finally manages to escape to “get a pedicure with Sandy” — code for covertly researching a divorce attorney? — Sam shares his feelings on the long, strange trip the past few weeks have been.

Cynical, black-hearted readers: you were right. The pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage were indeed “staged.” BY GOD. Excuse me? Who? What? Take it away, Sam:

“The unacceptance that this world has shown our family has been a blessing to me. Let me explain … It seems as though the media out there, all the articles being written about us are trying to put us in a bad light, and it seems that those are the ones that represent the world. It makes me think of the verse John 15:19, ‘If you are of the world, the world will love you as its won. But because you are not of the world, but I have chose you from the world, the world hates you.’

I just think that’s so amazing. Because I chose you, the world hates you. God tells us we’re going to be hated, so what we’re seeing right now is god’s will being played out for our lives as Christians. We’re being persecuted somewhat.

This is what god told us is gonna happen. I cant help but let it excite me. Every time I read these articles … I’m laughing about it. It’s just a huge reminder that God chose our family so we’re getting this hatred. That’s just what comes with being a Christian and being a god-filled family.”

Ah, okay. The logic here is a little flawed — just a little — but I suppose I’m following along. It’s a neat trick to be able to deceive yourselves into thinking that perceived “persecution” for your “beliefs” is a sign that your God loves you. I’m in awe. Because the Bible is the best tool for working yourself out of any tricky situation, Sam hits us with ol’ Timothy 3:12:

 “Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, while evil people and impostors will go on from the bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived.”

Here, Sam lays the groundwork for their insane logic and the alleged persecution they are facing by members of the media and the cynics that think that their entire shtick is fishy as fuck. Sam continues:

“So the world is choosing to be deceived, and there’s nothing we can do about it. That’s why I’m not trying to defend myself to anybody. Anybody who asks me, ‘Was it fake?’—I don’t even feel like responding to it, but no, it wasn’t fake. That’s pretty much all I’ll say.

Or like one interviewer asked me, ‘Was it all staged?’ — A lot of people think it was staged. I’m like, you know what? It was staged. It was all orchestrated by God above and nothing less. I’ll say stuff like that just to kind of throw them off, but it doesn’t make me happy that people are deceived, but it does make me happy that god chose our family out of the world.”

I mean, remember this tweet?

I don’t know anymore, guys. I don’t know.

[h/t Gawker]