Oh, God, There’s Going To Be Another GOP Debate

Nancy Reagan has invited 16 of the current 17 GOP candidates to participate in a CNN-moderated debate at the Reagan Library in Simi Valley. Sixteen. It’ll be all of the candidates who participated in both the second- and first-tier Fox News debates last week, except for Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore, who didn’t get invited because he smells funny and weirds the other kids out. (Kidding, it’s because he’s barely polling. Which is worse?)

But 16! Sixteen at one time! I have so many questions, like:

  • Which of the candidates is the lion-tamer? Which is the acrobat? Which is the dancing bear?
  • Who’s got the redder nose and the bigger shoes: Mike Huckabee or Donald Trump?
  • How long do you think Rick Perry and Scott Walker spent practicing their unicycle routine?
  • Do you think they’ll have cotton candy?
  • Do you think the ring toss is rigged?
  • How good do you have to be at knife-throwing and fire-eating to qualify to be the leader of the free world?
  • Do you think Ben Carson learned how to mime in France?
  • Which of the candidates runs the flea circus?
  • How do you think CNN correspondent Jack Tapper will look in a sequined jacket and big sequined top hat?
  • Technically aren’t the viewers the glass-eaters in this situation? It sure felt like it with the Fox debate.

The answers to all these questions and more, coming to Simi Valley, September 16!


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