“Hangover Chic” Is A Thing Now: 6 Other Things That Should Be Hot Trends
As I have long lamented the fact that trends for men largely involve them getting to be lazier and cheaper (see beards, dad bods), whereas trends for women usually involve spending a lot of money, time, and physical discomfort to achieve, I was all sorts of delighted when I saw the following headline: “Hangover chic: looking like you’ve had too much to drink is the latest beauty trend.”
“EVERYTHING IS COMING UP ROBYN!” said I! “This is my time and it has arrived! Finally! A beauty trend that speaks to me and my needs!”
Which is not to say that I am always hungover. But even when I’m not, I kind of look like I might be, at least for the first five hours of the day. I have super dark circles under my eyes by way of genetics and go through Benefit’s Erase Paste like you wouldn’t believe.
However, I was slightly disappointed to see that the Hangover Chic they were referring to was a Korean trend that in no way resembles anything I look like when hungover or super tired.
HUH. I don’t know about you, but I kind of feel like it doesn’t really count as hangover makeup if you look like you remembered to wash your face before going to bed. I mean, hell. I don’t look that fresh faced when I wake up not hungover. I was hoping for more of a Marla Singer kind of thing involving smeary eyeliner, bloodshot eyes and hair going every which way, with an added dash “please kill me now and end my misery and/or give me more coffee.” Or at least something more closely resembling whatever it is I look like right now. A look which I like to refer to as “I woke up like this, and then added a fuckton more eyeliner.”
Still! It got me thinking! Hangover chic should totally be a real thing. Always. For everyone! Also, there should be other hot trends based on things that would be convenient for all of our lives, that we could all embrace as enthusiastically as I would have embraced a more legit seeming Hangover Chic.
1. Crow’s Feet
What It Says About You: That you have lived a full and happy life — so happy, in fact, that you do not give any fucks.
Get The Look: Laugh a lot, cry a lot, give a lot of side-eye. Don’t inject your face with anything. If you don’t yet have them, squint your eyes, take a taupe liner and draw where the creases are and then blend away.
2. Coffee Stains
What It Says About You: You are a gal on the go, and you need some serious caffeine to keep up with your fast-paced lifestyle.
Get The Look: Make coffee while still half asleep, be late for something with no time to change. Alternately, bring coffee with you to work in car or on bus.
3. Black Clothing At Least Partially Covered In Cat/Dog Hair
What It Says About You: You have a pet that loves you.
Get The Look: Wear an entirely black outfit, wait for your pet to climb on top of you, and then be unable to find your lint brush anywhere.
4. Stretch Marks
What It Says About You: You are a human being, goddammit.
Get The Look: Gain weight, lose weight, go through puberty, give birth. Alternately, just draw some tiger stripes on your stomach or legs with a bright red marker!
5. Just One Earring
What It Says About You: “I’m going for a retro ’80s Madonna thing, okay?”
Get The Look: Lose one of your favorite earrings, wear the other one anyway.
6. Random patches of hair/one singular super long weird hair that magically sprung out of your face and/or boob within the last five minutes somehow.
You know, I was gonna just say body hair in general, because that sure would save us a lot of time and energy — but our foremothers tried that in the ’60s and it didn’t exactly take. What I propose instead is making a hot trend out of the random patches of hair that happen when you totally forget to shave one part of your leg somehow, or are already out of the house when you realize your eyebrows or upper lip could use a wax, but can’t do anything about it just then. Not to mention the random 8 foot long hairs that seemingly sprout instantaneously from nowhere.
What It Says About You: “I was far too busy contemplating the vastness of the universe to remember to wax my lip.”
Get The Look: Shave every part of your leg except for one part on your ankle, keep meaning to swing by the waxing place after work but then have better things to do.