Summer Fruits, Ranked

Summer is here, and with it, nature’s beautiful bounty of the best fruits it has to offer. If you want to, you could eat fruit all summer long, cleansing your gross body of the copious amounts of chicken fingers and pizza you ate all winter. Summer fruits are the perfect embodiment of long, hazy days, sunny skies, sand between your toes and the eternal misery of walking three blocks to the subway in 90 degree heat. There are a lot of really lovely fruits out there right now, and all of them deserve your undivided attention, but like everything in this world, they each have their place. So let’s rank them.

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15. Cantaloupe: I once described someone I did not like very much as the cantaloupe of the fruit salad, so that should give you an idea of where this garbage melon lives. It gets a pass if its wrapped in prosciutto, like most things do.

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14. Blackberries: The vanilla pudding of summer fruits. Boring and messy, but I won’t eat around them on a fruit plate.

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13. Apricots: I find their dried iteration to be more enjoyable, but if you like weird fuzzy fruit that is smaller than a peach, then apricots are your friend.

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12. Raspberries: My mouth inadvertently puckered as I typed the word “raspberry,” so that should give you an idea of where these fuckers rank on this list.

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11. Honeydew: Hey, if it’s a good honeydew, and not the kind that you find mouldering in the bottom of a fruit salad, then you’ve won the melon lottery. Congratulations.

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10. Blueberries: If you fear mealy fruit — who doesn’t, really? — freeze them.

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9. Plums: So lovely when you get a ripe one, but there is nothing worse than biting into one that’s just shy of perfect.

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8. Figs: Figs are wonderful but expensive, but if you’re willing to spend $8 for a tiny basket of them, get some good ricotta, slice them in half, and go to town.

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7. Strawberries: A good strawberry is a gift sent down from whatever god you believe in, but a bad one will make you cry. Use caution.

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6. Lychee nuts: If you have texture issues, skip this. But if you’re not a giant picky baby, then find some lychee nuts and go to town, because they are wonderful. If you’re feeling especially festive, plop one in your martini and toast to bringing back 1995.

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5. Yellow peaches and nectarines:  Yellow peaches are better than yellow nectarines.

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4. White peaches and nectarines: White nectarines are better than white peaches.

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3. Mango: Contentious fruit, for some reason. Yes, the pit is huge and takes up way too much space, and eating one is an activity best done alone, but you know what, they are delicious and worth the “work.” Besides, if you’re complaining about cutting a mango being too tiring, then I think you need to re-examine your priorities.

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2. Cherries: What a perfect fruit, except when you eat 50 of them in one sitting while watching television and your toilet pays for it dearly the next day.

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1. Watermelon: The best fruit. The only fruit if we had to pick just one. Make it into a popsicle. Eat it out of the plastic container from the deli next door. Hack into one yourself on your porch or your roof. Take it up a notch with chile and lime and salt. Eat one for dinner or lunch or breakfast. Put this down and go to the store and get one, right now.

Please note: We did not include pineapple or coconut or certain other tropical fruits because they are not technically summer fruits. But they are delicious nonetheless.