Jeb Bush To Win Over Latinos With $75 Guacamole Bowl

Hey savvy shoppers who may or may not be of Mexican descent–have we ever got some deals for you down at Jeb(!) Bush’s campaign store! In addition to a stunning variety of mugs, stickers, t-shirts and even beach towels adorned with the “Jeb!” logo–which, by the way, looks more like the logo for a late 90’s ABC sitcom starring a family friendly comedian we’ve long since forgotten about than a logo for a presidential candidate, but that’s none of my business.

In what we can only assume is some bid to appeal to Mexican voters after polls show they are not too fond of Trump following his remarks about how they are all rapists and criminals…Jeb(!) is hocking a real fancy guacamole bowl (or rather…GUACA BOWLE) in his shop. So fancy that it costs $75! Which is kind of a lot for a guacamole bowl, given that this one at Crate and Barrel is only $35, and Crate and Barrel is not exactly cheap either.

In addition to this lovely bowl, you can also get this totally hip t-shirt prematurely defending Bush’s father, George Bush, Sr., a one term president best known for a crap war in the Middle East, puking on state officials, and bringing us Dan Quayle.

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I mean. I’m not going to disagree with him, because he is free to have his own opinions on who is the greatest person he’s ever known. I do not think George Bush, Sr. is the greatest ever, but I’m not about to get into fisticuffs about it. I mean, I think my dad is pretty great also, but I cannot imagine a situation where I would walk up to strangers and tell them this and then offer to fight them should they disagree. Who even has time for that (other than really drunk people at 2am)?

Now, of course–there’s something for the hipsters. Because man, what is more hip than voting for an old rich white Republican dude for president? Probably nothing. Especially if you are doing it ironically.

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Vintage, technically, refers to clothing made pre-1980, and anything after that is “retro”–so no, a tank top made in 2015, even if it features an old image of someone, is not “vintage.” But all of this aside, man, it sure is fun reminding Jeb Bush of when he used to be hip, back in the ’70s, when he was a banker, the hippest of all professions. So in touch with the people, that one. So hip and with it.

If all these majestical things are just not enough for you, and you feel like you need to deck your baby out in Jeb! wear also…

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I’m not opposed to children wearing political ensembles–after all, my sister and I proudly wore our “You can’t hug your children with nuclear arms” and “Question Authority” t-shirts as kids. However, this is pretty confusing as people might just think your kid’s name is Jeb.

Whoever you are, if you think women shouldn’t be allowed to have abortions, are pretty sure scientists are lying to you about climate change, hate net neutrality, love off-shore drilling, think insanely rich people are just paying way too much in capital gains and property taxes, and have literally no memory of what happened the last time a Bush was in office–the Jeb(!) Bush store has something for you!