Free People Wants You To Join Them On A $2700 Nightmare Cult Vacation

If you are anything like me, and I’m sure you are, you prefer to get all of your spiritual needs met by retail clothing companies. Particularly those that specialize in fairly expensive merchandise meant to look a lot like the cheap stuff you can buy at the hippie store. Perhaps you have also wondered what it would be like to join a cult! Perhaps you also have so much money you don’t know what to do with it.

IF SO, HAVE I EVER GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!

Free People, purveyors of fine $68 sticks with ribbons attached to them, is now getting into the travel game. It’s true! If you happen to have a spare $2700-$3800, and are free the week of January 9-16, you too could travel to Yelapa, Mexico, and hang out with a bunch of people you don’t know, and talk about moon cycles and also your dreams.

Check out the deets!

For the totally reasonable price of $2700, you get to stay in a dorm room with many other complete strangers. If you are willing to pay $3800, however, you can get your own private room! Meaning that you only pay an additional $158 a night to stay in a place where the most expensive hotel I could find was $84 a night, and where I found several entire multiple room beach houses that cost under $600 for an entire week.

Whatever package you choose, airfare is included. If you are wondering how much airfare costs at that time–from Chicago, it’s $400, and from NYC it is $432.

But it’s what you get in addition to the airfare and lodging that truly makes it all worth it:

  • 7 Nights Accommodation (est. reality price–$420-$602)
  • 1-2 Yoga Classes Daily ($70-$140)
  • 1 Surf Class ($90)
  • Nourishing Vegetarian Meals & 3 Day Cleanse (I have no earthly idea)
  • $500 in Free People merchandise ($500–also, this is probably only about 2 or three things max, their shit is expensive)
  • Moon Workshop (the internet doesn’t know what this is, so free?)
  • Temezcal Indigenous Ritual ($32-$65)
  • Daily Card Readings ($175)
  • Storytelling (free)
  • DIY Activities (free)
  • Scheduled Airport Transfer ($400-432)
  • Spa Treatments & Other Activities Available On-Site (Not Included)

TOTAL PRICE OF THINGS I COULD FIND THE COST OF: $1687-$2004. Meaning that the food and cleanse, moon workshop, storytelling and “DIY” activities cost a total of $696-$1013 — and that’s only if you are picking the “cheap” dorm room option. Which, I don’t know, may still be reasonable to you — I don’t know how you live your life and budget things.

I assume that by now you are very enticed by all of this, and wish to know more! What, exactly, do all these things entail?

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Oh man! So much dreaming! You can dream all of the dreams! Finally! Just like you always dreamed! For only $2700-$3800!

If you are unfamiliar, a Temazcal (Free People spells it “Temezcal” but whatevs!!) is basically a very dark sweat lodge that you sit in for two hours or so while a shaman chants things. Personally, being a white person, I would feel pretty damned weird about doing this — but, you know, I am also in favor of these people getting that tourist money. Do what you gotta do. However, my god, can you just imagine sitting in a a hot igloo-like sauna for two hours with the people who would likely join you on that trip, while someone chants at you?

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Ah yes, the traditional Winter Solstice dreaming. So many dreams, again. I feel like basically what they’re saying here is that you’re going to pay a lot of money for dreaming. What would Debbie Harry say?

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Sure, you can live free, but the cost of those products is included in the price of your package. Do you get to pick it out yourself? I certainly hope so, because Free People’s sizing is all over the damn place. I’ve seen “large” dresses I probably couldn’t wear on even one of my skinny ass legs, and smalls that a small family could ostensibly camp out in. Also, is everyone gonna get the same things? Will there be matching outfits? If so, things are starting to sound a little Heaven’s Gate to me.

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Well. It had better be food based. What else would they do? Starve you for three out of seven days and charge you for the privilege? I don’t think so! Also is “go deeper” a synonym for pooping a lot? (My Mom, who gets mad if I call her a hippie because “only straight people ever said that, no one called themselves that unless they were an idiot,” says,A cleanse? They wanna go on a cleanse they could just drink the water! Oh, god, I’m a terrible person, pretend I didn’t just say that.“). Given that with the cheapest option here, you will be sharing two bathrooms with 8 other people … this sounds a little touch and go.

Throughout this experience an emphasis will be placed on fostering dreams; allowing ourselves permission to dream beyond our wildest imaginations, exploring storytelling, beautiful mystery, moon cycles, and more. Each soul who attends will leave feeling refreshed and ready to take on all the New Year has in store.

What on earth is this moon cycle thing? Are we talking about periods here? And why would anyone pay so much for dreaming? I know. I know. I’m still on that. I just find it a little odd that someone would pay a retail clothing company that much money for an ascetic experience like that. It’s like, opposite day. I feel like if you’re spending a lot of money to be a hippie than you are kind of doing it wrong.

If that’s what you’re really after, take a damn bus or a train to Mexico, buy your shit at the thrift store or make it yourself, and go to donation yoga classes. LIKE A NORMAL HIPPIE. Just don’t, you know, get white person dreads because that is not OK.

If it’s not, and you’re just looking to spend a lot of money and play pretend with a bunch of other ladies with too much money to burn, and talk about your dreams and moon cycles, there are still 20 spots left!

[Free People]