What On Earth Will The PEZ Dispenser Movie Be About?

Is Hollywood running out of ideas or something? Apparently, a company called “Envision Media Arts” has signed a deal with the makers of PEZ in order to make a movie about PEZ dispensers, to be written by Cameron Fay, who is currently writing the sequel to the “The Three Stooges” movie that no one asked for, and has previously written a film called “Ochophobia (Fear Of Vehicles).” What? Why? How?

Says EMA CEO and founder Lee Nelson: “PEZ Candy is beloved by children and adults alike. With Cameron Fay we’ve created a world unique to Pez and a story that will touch the hearts of many.”

How can this possibly be? A world unique to PEZ? Where everyone is a PEZ dispenser and just shoots candy out of their neck all day? To what end?

Listen. I love candy. I even love PEZ, specifically the strawberry kind. I, in fact, used to collect PEZ dispensers in high school. But I am really, really confused about how there could be a movie about PEZ dispensers.

First of all, most modern PEZ dispensers are not really unique PEZ characters. I mean, they are usually characters from other cartoons and various media. Is it going to be like, “Cartoon All-Stars To the Rescue” except all of the characters are just like, heads with PEZ bottoms? Are they just going to create new PEZ characters for this?

I mean, I am trying my absolute hardest to come up with a plausible plot line for a movie about PEZ dispensers and I am at a loss. I don’t know. Maybe some evil dude buys the PEZ factory and to shut it down so there is no more PEZ, and then the Ms. Piggy PEZ dispenser and the Darth Vader PEZ dispenser help band the other PEZ dispensers together in order to thwart his evil plan and continue the production of PEZ dispensers forever so that no generation of children will ever be without the joy of tiny sugar candies ejected from the heads of their favorite cartoons? Somehow? Without arms and legs?

Or like, maybe they all live in PEZ land and something bad happens in PEZ land but they can’t really do anything about it other than maybe hop in an angry fashion?

Or maybe, um, everyone in the world comes down with some mysterious disease that can only be cured by PEZ and the PEZ dispensers must go hopping around the world dispensing PEZ into everyone’s mouth before it is too late?

Or, uh, a natural disaster leaves the world without flavored sugar pellets somehow and the PEZ dispensers must travel to another planet to procure more?

None of these things sounds like a very good movie, even for children, but I really cannot imagine what the hell else they could possibly do with plastic candy dispensers with cartoon heads. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

[Deadline Hollywood]