Pinterest’s Idea Of “Fun With Watermelon,” Ranked

Happy National Watermelon Day! I was initially going to celebrate this most delicious and refreshing summer fruit with a gallery of watermelon-focused recipes, but as I was trolling Pinterest, I found myself distracted by the sheer volume of what Pinterest calls “fun watermelon hacks!” which are not so much fun as they are egregiously time-consuming. I mean, I knew you could cook yummy shit with watermelon, but give a stay-at-home mom a sharp knife and a child’s looming birthday party and she will go BUCK. So I decided to rank them from worst to best:


12. This open watermelon mouth. Okay, so maybe a food artist made this and it’s not meant to be eaten so much as run away from with a terrified look on your face. The teeth look like mine after a particularly rough dental cleaning. (I have very sensitive gums.)


11. Watermelon basinet with cantaloupe baby. A hallmark of the World’s Worst Baby Shower, along with diapers filled with fudge and something called a “pregatini.”


10. This watermelon womb. You might be saying to yourself, Seriously Amelia? The watermelon womb with the watermelon fetus surrounded by watermelon jello is ranked better than the adorable watermelon basinet and cantaloupe baby? Are you deranged? And you would be correct.


9. Watermelon grill. I like the idea here, but this is a flop in terms of execution. Nothing is being GRILLED. If this had actually involved FLAMES and there was a delicious steak being seared on top, I would be inclined to rank it higher. But this is just a cut watermelon with some skewers stuck through it. Disappointing.


8. Watermelon fruit pizza. There is a special place in hell for the person who concocted this carb-less, cheese-less, practically calorie-less, and entirely satisfaction-less super duper healthy recipe and then had the nerve to call it “pizza.”


7. Watermelon basket. Cute idea, but utterly not utilitarian. So you’re supposed to just clutch a watermelon rind in your hand like it’s a handle and trot that thing around? It’ll probably break, the watermelon slices inside will spill out onto the ground, little Timmy will start screaming about how his party is ruined, and your hand will be too wet and sticky to open the bottle of Xanax you keep tucked in your pocket for days when the burden of having fun with watermelon is too much to deal with.


6. This roaring watermelon tiger. Exceptional food artistry, though it is inedible.


5. Watermelon drum set. I mean, why not. At least it’s not a watermelon bass.


4. Watermelon jerky. I have put aside my rage that this is called “jerky” — “it’s not just for meat!” lies the food blog which posted the recipe — in favor of recognizing it for what it really is, which is dehydrated fruit leather aka DELICIOUS.


3. Watermelon swan. I hate real swans, because they are birds, but I love that other things in the shape of swans, like towels, and ice blocks, and now watermelons, are considered ~*~ROMANTIC~*~.


2. Watermelon XXL jello shots. Now here’s a watermelon “hack” I can get behind — mixing it with booze and turning it into jello.


1. Watermelon margaritas. Delicious and drunk-making all on its own, but the watermelon rind jug makes it extra festive.