Vagina “Beauty Contest” Declares World’s Most Beautiful Ladyflower

Here she comes, Miss Vagina!

Earlier this month, Brian Sloan, the inventor of the Autoblow2, decided to hold a worldwide search for the world’s most “perfect” looking lady parts — a Vagina Beauty Pageant, if you will. (Technically we are talking about vulvas here, rather than vaginas, but that’s the language the (male) contest runner is using.)

Sadly, the contest, as far as I can tell, involved little to no baton twirling.

The purpose of the contest, you see, was to create a new sex toy based on the mold of the winner. To give the people the fake vagina they want. I guess. So, a whopping 185 women from all over the world submitted pictures of their vaginas (like, super duper closeup shots), and then people voted on them.

If you are now thinking “Oh no! I missed my chance! Now I’ll never be Miss Vagina!”–never fear! For there is actually a yearly Miss Beautiful Vagina Pageant held in Portland each year in which  you could win not only the title, but 500 bucks, just as you always dreamed.

The winner of the contest (link NSFW!) was a 27-year-old woman from the UK named “Nell,” with no visible labia minora. [I am particularly pouty about the fact that the majority of the top rated vaginas in this contest have the tiniest labia minora ever, UNLIKE SOME OF US. — Amelia] Nell, however, told Sophie Kleeman of Mic that she believes she won more due to her boyfriend’s excellent photography skills than anything else.

“I still do not believe I have a special vagina,” she told Mic. “I happen to have the best picture of my vagina. That’s it. It’s nothing less, it’s nothing more.”

The findings of the pageant were used in a study meant to analyze the diversity of vulvas as well as public opinion on different vulval morphologies, like labia size and clitoral hood length.

While I think it’s pretty cool to talk about vulva diversity, I think it’s pretty damned icky to actually study “public opinion” on something like this. Why? Because we all have enough goddamned things to worry about without thinking “Oh god, my vulva is in no way Barbie like! What if he vomits on me!”

In fact, I would say that “public opinion” on genitals is a pretty worthless thing to even bother thinking about, for anyone, both men and women included. Except perhaps for makers of genitalia shaped sex toys.

Trust me, for the most part, if you are at the point with someone where you are getting naked, they are way more excited about getting some action than they are about how “perfect” or “not perfect” your junk is. To boot, they’re probably more worried about what you think of them!

If there are people out there who get ready to get down and then suddenly go, “HMMMM … this? This isn’t very symmetrical,” or if you are with a dude who is disappointed that your vulva doesn’t remind him enough of a plastic doll favored by small children? That is not a person you want to be fucking in the first place. No one should sleep with them, in fact, ever, until they stop being terrible human beings.

You know what the perfect vagina, vulva, dick, balls, asshole, whatever is? It’s yours. If it’s doing what it’s supposed to do, if you are having a good time with it, that is all it needs to be perfect.

[Mic]