Gwyneth Wants To Sell You $1700 “Hip Hop” Clutch Bags

I have a theory. I think Gwyneth Paltrow has a publicist who hates her and spends all day sitting around thinking, “What is the most tone deaf thing a supremely rich white blond lady could possibly do now?” We’ve been through vag steaming, we’ve been through food stamps — something is definitely up. Someone in her PR circle wants her to look like an absolute fool.

For there simply cannot be any other explanation for Goopy’s latest venture. Which is, my god, selling “hip hop inspired” clutch bags for $1695 through her website.

This shimmery blue one has “Biggie” and “Pac” written on the front and back of it (My Mom: “Oh god, and the poor things aren’t even around to defend themselves! That is not right.”)


And this black, silver and gold shimmery one says “Shady” and “Hov” on the front and back. Because Gwyneth uses nicknames, ok? That is how down she is.

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Who on earth told Gwyneth that this is a good idea? And what kind of people would actually purchase a $1700 Gwyneth Paltrow hip hop clutch? Who is the customer for this, and how do I avoid them?

It transcends literally all previously known heights of trying-too-hardness and falls into some kind of uncanny, bizarre OH GOD GWYNETH PALTROW IS SELLING “HIP HOP” CLUTCHES FOR $1700 universe that I fear even trying to understand. Is it a sign of the apocalypse? Is Gwyneth actually Andy Kaufman? I don’t know. I don’t even know where to begin.