Hey Ladies, Don’t Worry, Your Cleavage Skin Is Most Likely Just Fine

The New York Times wants you to feel bad about your chest. The New York Times wants you to pay very, very close attention to the skin that lies between your two awesome breasts. Is it wrinkly? Is it taut? Is it the texture of a vintage Coach bag? Do you wish it looked like Jennifer Lopez’s skin, caramel-colored with the texture of smooth silk, rolling in waves off a bolt of fabric? Did you previously spend little to no time thinking about the skin between your chest, but now are rubbing it absentmindedly at your desk, wondering what the fuck you can do to fix it?  Congratulations, you have a new complex!

The Times’ Style section has a cute little ditty from Anna Wintour’s daughter, Bee Shapiro, about getting the skin between your breasts — your décolletage, if you will — ready for all the low-slung tops you’re surely wearing to your office job this summer. For the Oscars, Chrissy Teigen used La Mer Body Refiner scrub to get her middle-chest ready for the harsh glare of HD. It contains pure diamond powder and produces a “high-end finish” as if she were a car or a newly-built model home. No.

If you don’t feel like rubbing your sternum down every time you plan on wearing a top that requires dexterity with the Topstick, any reputable doctor can inject Restalyne into your chest for the cool price of $1,500, so you can proudly take your shirt off in front of all the gals at the gym without fear of reproach.

However, if you want a more reasonable — and simple — solution to the fact that your chest skin is slowly turning into beef jerky, do yourself a favor and wear sunscreen. All the time! Sunscreen. Put it on in the morning like it’s body lotion! Wear it at the beach! Cover yourself up, and you will not only have a chest you can be “proud” of, you also won’t get skin cancer. It’s a win win. Just don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your chest. Trust us. It’s beautiful.