Some Thoughts On Lifetime’s Casting For Their “Unauthorized” “Beverly Hills, 90210″ & “Melrose Place” TV Movies

Given the wackadoo budget porn casting of Lifetime’s “Unauthorized ‘Full House'” movie, I did not have high hopes for what the network would do when tackling two of my favorite nighttime soaps of all time, “Beverly Hill, 90210″ and “Melrose Place.” In fact, I would not have been surprised if a used popsicle stick topped with discarded Barbie hair had been cast as Donna Martin. But Lifetime has, relatively speaking, done right by Tori Spelling, though their choices for some of the other players are seriously lacking.

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Okay, first of all, I could only figure out which guy was Brian Austin Green/David Silver by process of elimination, that’s how little actor Ross Linton resembles “90210”‘s resident geek-turned-DJ-turned-rapper-turned-meth-addict. Seriously, can you see the guy standing behind Fake Andrea Zuckerman/Gabrielle Carteris (more on her in a sec) doing this?

Fake Shannen Doherty is not any better. Where is Pretenda Walsh’s entitled bitchy scowl?! And if this is supposed to be the first season, and I think it is, HER BANGS ARE ALL WRONG. I don’t even dare hope they’ve bothered to attend to other details, like the slight snaggle in Doherty’s teeth.

Weirdo Dylan and Weirdo Brandon are alright by me, as their hair is perfectly square-like. Fake Steve Sanders/Ian Ziering has just the right shade of yellow hair, so I will ignore the fact that his face does not convey my beloved Steve’s delightfully fratty impishness. Abbie Cobb is damn near a dead ringer for Kelly Taylor/Jennie Garth so props on that.

Lastly, there’s Faux Andrea. Actress Michele Goyns is clearly not a 40-something playing a 40-something playing a teenager. She is a 20-something playing a 40-something playing a teenager who was nowhere near as hipster stylish as that button-front denim skirt and thick specs conveys. This is not “Williamsburg, 11211.” I can only hope her performance is as fun-ruining as every Andrea-focused episode of “90210” or I’ll call bullshit.

Then there’s the “Melrose Place” cast. First of all, I forgot how many fucking people lived on Melrose Place. Obviously, HBIC Amanda/Heather Locklear is dead center, and frankly, I’m as bored with her as I am Smiley Pretenda Walsh. Amanda was prepared to cut a bitch. Actress Ciara Hanna looks like she’s counting calories in her head, not plotting to steal anyone’s husband.

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I kind of don’t care about a lot of the “Melrose Place” cast, tbh, because we all know the one who actually mattered, who deserved all of the screen time, was Kimberly Shaw/Marcia Cross. Actress Teagan Vincze (redhead on the right, seated in front of FauxJo) is serving me a pretty fierce look, but I’m not sure if it’s saying “I’m about to pull this wig off and shock the motherfuckin’ worllllldddddd!!!!” or “I just farted, can you smell it?”

In the case of these two Lifetime movies, I guess we’ll have to watch to find out. [Access Hollywood]