Here’s What Makes A Perfect Penis, According To Science

What, precisely, makes for a good-looking dick? You know, the kind of dick that you try to take a picture of while the owner is distracted, to show to your friends over brunch. (Just kidding. Maybe.) A dick that’s veiny, but not too veiny; girth-y without posing a threat; and long enough to look impressive, but not so long that your cervix is in pain. Just a really solid dick. A good dick. Dick that you remember for years to come. You could spend your entire life looking for the perfect dick. It could be a never-ending quest, so be grateful that science has stepped in to save the day.

In a study published by The Journal Of Sexual Medicine, a group of women surveyed reveal the top eight concerns with regards to penile standards of beauty. After viewing a photo set of a variety of penises, large and small, quirky and standard – why were these photos not provided along with the article?! — the women were asked to rank what qualities matter the most in terms of general attractiveness. Here’s where they came in:

  1. General cosmetic appearance
  2. Penile skin
  3. Shape of glans
  4. Appearance of scrotum
  5. Appearance of pubic hair
  6. Penile length
  7. Penile girth
  8. Position and shape of meatus
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As expected, it sort of matters whether or not your dick just looks … strange. I’m assuming that “general cosmetic appearance” refers to the general look of your member. Is it covered in scales? Is it mottled? Does it look inviting? These queries also apply nicely to the second concern, penile skin. Surprisingly, length and girth matter less than the appearance of pubes, balls and the literal dick-head itself. Unsurprisingly, however, is the last place ranking of the meatus, which is the opening of the urethra. When you’ve got so many other things to consider — Penile skin! Girth! Pubes! — it seems nitpicky to a fault to focus on where the urethra is positioned on the actual phallus.

While all this information is good to have, the thing about dicks is that it’s not really about what they look like. A nice looking wang that neatly checks off any personal preferences and requirements with regards to body hair, ball size, length and girth is awesome. How often do you stumble upon a perfect physical specimen in the flesh? Treasure it! Those moments are rare and pure and true. But that dick probably isn’t worth shit unless it’s in working order and the person running the whole operation knows what he’s doing.

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When it comes down to sexy-times, it doesn’t really matter what the penis looks like. It’s a penis! It’s hopefully functioning properly, and attached to someone that you like and are pumped to bone. Unless you’re a prissy penis princess, someone who elects to only sleep with that textbook perfect dick, the one that broke the mold, then whatever a dude is packing is going to be just fine. Hell, some women prefer them to be small.

Every penis is a special snowflake. Be proud of the wang you have, whether it’s big or small or hairy or not. Just make sure you know how to use it.

[The Journal Of Sexual Medicine]