Today Is The Day We Invade Texas, According To Some Lunatics!

Good morning, fellow Obamabots! It’s the day we’ve all been waiting for! The day we invade Texas!

It’s true! Ask anyone you see wearing a tinfoil hat about Jade Helm, and get prepared to sit down for an inordinate amount of time while they go on and on about how the military exercise is actually a “preparation for martial law,” and then also somehow turn that into an argument for why you should be brushing your teeth with activated charcoal because fluoride is evil.

Actually. That’s unfair. Not everyone who believes in the Jade Helm conspiracy theory is a wearer of tinfoil hats. In fact, according to a March poll conducted by Public Policy Polling, 32 percent of Republicans believe the government is trying to take over Texas. 28 percent were not sure, and only 40 percent felt pretty confident that the government was not trying to take over Texas. The theory has also been taken seriously by politicians like Louis Gohmert, and pundits like Chuck Norris.

Although many similar military exercises have taken place in Texas throughout the years, wingnuts are only concerned about this one because Obama is president and they’re still pretty upset about that. They are upset that, in this exercise, for the purposes of pretending they are in a different country, Texas is labeled as a “hostile area” and California as permissive.

jade helm

Conspiracists claim that this military exercise, unlike all the other military exercises, is meant to get Texans accustomed to a military presence so they WON’T EVEN KNOW when we invade them and then by that point it will be too late. Also FEMA camps. Also apparently they’re going to use abandoned Walmarts to “stockpile supplies for Chinese troops who will be arriving to disarm Americans.” Which, naturally, is why it is called JADE helm. Get it? Because of the Chinese.

Do I feel like arguing this? Nope! I say let Alex Jones, Chuck Norris and Louis Gohmert just keep going on as long as they like about this. I say let Greg Abbot send his Texas state guard to “monitor” the operation. I say let Ted Cruz keep taking these concerns very seriously. I mean, really–I have always found that in these situations it is best to just let these people keep talking.

In fact, I say we just start planning what we’re going to do when we take over the sovereign nation of Texas.

First, we feast. On barbecue, obviously. Then, we come for their bibles and their guns–because here in America (where the state of Texas is not located), we do not allow these things. Ever. We have like, zero Christians here in this country. After that, we will probably force them all to marry someone of the same sex.

Then, probably more feasting. Because ribs. I don’t really know what else we’ll do since I haven’t been to Texas since I was like three years old, and I’m not like, that into seeing the Alamo or whatever. I do have a bunch of friends who have moved to Austin, so maybe we can all go hang out with them? Oh, but then we’ll totally get back on track and send all the nice, Bible believing Christians who steadfastly refuse to marry anyone of the same sex to FEMA camps.

You know, because everyone has time for that.