Anal Sex Won’t Ruin Your Relationship, But A Shitty Boyfriend Will

A wise man once said, “If you’re going into poop’s house, be prepared to get shit on.” That wise man is porn star and Frisky advice columnist James Deen. And I have a feeling that if he wasn’t so busy puttering around poop’s house on a porn set in Los Angeles right now, he would have some choice words for writer Marilyn Friedman, who says her relationship was ruined when she and her boyfriend did anal. Writing for Salon, of all places, Friedman describes what she thought was going to be a romantic New Year’s Eve, the night of her dreams in fact, as she was sure her boyfriend Liam was going to propose. Instead, he had another surprise in store:

The night so far has been perfect. We’ve just come back from a party. The champagne arrives from room service in a silver bucket. Liam hands me a glass. His piercing green eyes and jet-black hair are striking against his white tux. He motions for me to sit next to him on the bed. “I want to ask you something,” he says. My heart is pounding as I stare at the twinkling Manhattan skyline.

I stick my hand under the pillow, because I always imagined that when a man proposed, he’d hide the velvet box there, like an adult version of the tooth fairy. But there’s nothing under the pillow. It’s probably in his pocket. I sip my champagne and try to calm down.

That’s when Liam whispers, “Tonight, I want to do it up the butt.”

WWJDD: "My Boyfriend Wants Me To Peg Him! Got Any Tips?"
Going into poop's house? Expect to get a little shit on.

Let me start by saying that if you think your boyfriend is going to put a ring on it, and then he says he wants to put his dick in your butt instead, you’re probably not communicating very well. That said, I get Friedman’s disappointment at learning Liam’s idea of taking it to the next level involved a jumbo bottle of lube. Especially since she describes herself as being “really uptight” with a disappointing romantic history. But it was the insecurities associated with the latter that overwhelmed the former that NYE, and Friedman swallowed her disappointment at the lack of a proposal, telling Liam, “OK. Go ahead.”

He smiles and unzips my dress. He pulls back my pink lace thong and after some shoving and a lot of lube, he puts it in. It feels like my butt is being jackhammered by a giant apple corer. When it’s over, he asks me if I liked it.

“That was awesome,” I lie. I think, Now that I’ve done this, I’ll get my ring.

Liam excuses himself to go to the bathroom. I hear water running. He yells, “Oh god!”

“Is everything OK?” I ask. Silence.

“Sure, if you’re cool cleaning poop off your dick,” he says when he comes out of the bathroom.

I don’t even have to get crazy this time. He just stops calling. It’s over.

Was Liam a butt sex virgin himself? Unless he’d only ever gotten busy with freshly enema’d buttholes, I can’t imagine that Liam wouldn’t have encountered at least a little shit during his past anal sex-ploits. Here’s the deal, dudes. If you can’t handle getting a little shit on your dick during anal, YOU ARE NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO BE STICKING YOUR PENIS IN A BUTTHOLE. Anal sex didn’t ruin Marilyn and Liam’s relationship. Their relationship was over way before Liam stuck his dick in Marilyn’s asshole – it was over when Liam was born an asshole.

But Marilyn. MARILYN, MARILYN, MARILYN. While I am happy to join in on shaming your ex-boyfriend for being such a rude, immature, shitty-dicked loser, you are not without blame here. I’m not going to tsk-tsk you too much for going through with a sex act that you didn’t have a desire to try — I’ve succumbed to a little bit of sexual pressure myself, as I’m sure many readers have — but thinking it would get you a marriage proposal? That is INSANE, and it’s by far the most embarrassing part of this story. Here are some reasons NOT to have anal sex:

  1. To keep your lame boyfriend.
  2. In hopes of getting a proposal from your lame boyfriend.

There is really only one acceptable reason to have anal sex and that is BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. And ideally with someone who knows and understands that by going into poop’s house, things might get a little shitty.

[Salon]

[Photo: Salon]