19 Proposed Rules For The Chivalrous Gentleman

Chivalry! Do we even need it anymore? Gone are the days where it was customary to tip a hat in the presence of a lady, or to make sure she walked on the inside of the sidewalk, lest she be mowed down by a runaway street-car. The traditional rules that were standard for women of a certain age feel antiquated in today’s modern times, but modern-day etiquette is nebulous. Are you an asshole if you hold the door open for somebody? No, that’s just good home training. What if you stand forcefully behind a woman and insist that she accept your help in putting on her coat? Dude, probably. We get that you’re trying to be a nice guy, but really, it’s okay.

What’s a well-meaning dude to do? How do you forge ahead in this wild and wooly world where women are perfectly capable of handling their own shit? There are no clear definitions for what is socially acceptable anymore, so we are here to help.

Old Rule: Help her in and out of her coat.
New Rule: Help her in and out of the gaping maw of an existential crisis.

Old Rule: Guide her through a room by placing a hand on the small of her back.
New Rule: Guide her through a room by pointing out conversational land mines and who to avoid, making sure to pass the exit on the way, should she need to bounce.

Old Rule: Insist on paying for every date.
New Rule: Insist on paying back every single one of her outstanding debts, starting with her student loans.

Old Rule: Move her to the inside of the sidewalk, away from the street.
New Rule: Move her (gently, please) from the couch to the bed after she’s fallen asleep with her glasses on and “Real Housewives of Atlanta” playing on an infinite loop.

Old Rule: Let her win arguments or discussions.
New Rule: Let her win the lottery. Watch her win at darts.

Old Rule: Pull out her chair at the table
New Rule: Pull out of whatever orifice you’ve found yourself in BEFORE, you, ahem, finish.

Old Rule: Feel free to order for her at dinner.
New Rule: Feel free to order her a breakfast sandwich, large iced coffee and a coconut water at the bodega for the morning after a late night.

Old Rule: As a sign of respect, stand up when a woman enters the room.
New Rule: As a sign of respect, make sure you’re not scratching your balls when a woman enters the room.

Old Rule: Escort your date at formal events, by offering her your arm to clutch.
New Rule: Escort your date at formal events directly to the open bar.

Old Rule: Let women go through doors first, except for revolving doors.
New Rule: Let women go through doors first, except when that door leads to a bottomless pit of hellfire.

Old Rule: Respect and listen to a woman when she speaks, offer words of advice and encouragement.
New Rule: Respect and listen to a woman when she tells you that your mansplaining is beyond reproach.

Old Rule: Gently steer a woman out of uncomfortable conversations by stepping in.
New Rule: Gently steer a woman away from potholes, oncoming traffic and the terror of the unknown.

Old Rule: Offer your seat to a woman standing on public transportation.
New Rule: Offer your seat to anyone on public transportation who appears to be lacking the wherewithal to stand by themselves.

Old Rule: Protect your woman from the elements by offering your umbrella or your coat in inclement weather.
New Rule: Protect your woman from the scourge of “True Detective” spoilers by letting her watch it at your house in real time.

Old Rule: Offer to see your woman home safe and sound from a date, by walking her to the train or to her doorstep.
New Rule: Offer to see your woman home by letting her put her earbuds in and walking herself home unfettered by your (potentially) unwelcome presence.

Old Rule: Insist that she sit down first at a restaurant.
New Rule: Insist that she sits down first whenever she fucking wants, be it at a restaurant or on the train or in her house.

Old Rule: Take the reins when it comes to planning everything. Don’t stress your woman out by forcing her to make a decision.
New Rule: Take the reins when you inexplicably find yourself strapped to a runaway horse, or commandeering one of those inhumane Central Park carriages.

Old Rule: Make sure you are clean, freshly-shaved and well-dressed for all dates as a sign of respect.
New Rule: Make sure you left the house wearing both pants and underwear for literally every occasion as a sign of respect.

Old Rule: Get out of the car to open the door for her.
New Rule: Get out of the car if she asks you to get out of the car, because if she’s asking, there’s probably a good reason.