Creepy Weirdos Are Kissing Chickens, Causing Salmonella Outbreak

The CDC is currently looking into four recent big salmonella outbreaks across the country – and as of right now, it’s looking as though most of the 181 cases of salmonella were caused by live chickens rather than dead ones.

Why? Because some weirdos are apparently “kissing and cuddling” chickens. Whut.

In interviews, ill people answered questions about contact with animals and foods consumed during the week before becoming ill; 82 (86%) of the 95 ill people interviewed reported contact with live poultry (e.g., chicks, chickens, ducks, ducklings) before becoming ill. Sixty-four ill people who had purchase records available reported purchasing live baby poultry from 17 different feed supply stores and hatcheries in multiple states. Ill people reported purchasing live poultry for backyard flocks to produce eggs or meat, or to keep as pets. Many ill people in these outbreaks reported bringing the live poultry into their homes, and others reported kissing or cuddling with the live poultry. These behaviors increase a person’s risk of a Salmonella infection.

WHY? WHY? Why would anyone want to kiss a chicken? What, may I ask, is appealing about chicken lips (beaks?)? Not to mention the fact that getting that close to a chicken greatly increases the likelihood that said chicken could freak out and get its claws stuck in your hair and start flapping its monstrous wings against your head and then pecking your eyes out with its mighty beak. Which is the absolute worst thing that could happen to anyone. Duh.

The second worst thing, clearly, is getting food poisoning. I have never had it, as I am very, very careful (spit, knock on wood, etc. etc.) about such things, but I fear that I someday will, and that I will vomit everywhre and it will be horrible and I will be so mad.

So, obviously, I cannot understand why anyone would risk getting salmonella because they desperately want to kiss or cuddle a chicken. That sounds like the most horrible thing! I saw a chicken in person once (not a dead one, those are delicious as long as you cook them correctly) and it was the worst time. THE ABSOLUTE WORST TIME. SO BAD. I cried. It was definitely trying to figure out how to murder me. Or flap its wings at me, which would be worse, because feathers.

In conclusion, do not kiss or cuddle chickens. Because it is gross, and also because you could get salmonella poisoning and that, plus having touched a chicken, is probably the worst time imaginable. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go purchase some ginger ale because now I am nauseous from thinking about how awful it would be to be nauseous from kissing chickens.