How Random Is Ariana Grande?!

Ariana Grande, talented songstress and sister of the corporeal bastion of embarrassment, Frankie Grande, is a strange little bird. Birthed from the roiling depths of Disney’s star machine and catapulted to fame on the wings of her voice and the strength of her giant fake ponytail, the talented chanteuse has lots and lots of fans, who still manage to love her despite the fact that it’s been reported that she wants them “to die.”

Her music is great. It really is! But Ariana Grande is weird. Now, weird can be fine. Weird can be powerful. Weird can be valuable cultural capital. But Ariana “Photograph Me From the Left Side Only” Grande is weird in a way that feels deliberate and calculated. She’s weird in the way certain girls from your high school were weird, roaming the hallways in packs, giggling and doing things because they were “random.” In fact, if you look at the wide swath of public stories about Lil’ Grande, you’ll start to notice a pattern.

She’s. So. Random.

Well! How random is she?! We decided to find out.


Exhibit 1: #DonutGate

Ariana Grande and her new boyfriend visited a donut shop in L.A., where security footage captured them licking donuts that were out for public consumption, and then yelling, “I hate America!” when an employee replaced them with a tray of unsullied donuts. She later apologized for her words, explaining that it’s not America she really hate, but childhood obesity.


Shortly following this incident, she pulled out of her scheduled performance at the MLB All-Star Game. The police are now investigating the donut shop for a possible health code violation. Grande has yet to offer an explanation for why she licked the goddamn donut.

How random is that?! As random as spotting a dude with a top hat walking a cat on a leash on your way home from the gym.


Exhibit 2: Her preferred method of transportation is being carried like a giant baby.

While Grande has yet to confirm the veracity of this statement, photographic evidence procured and analyzed by Jezebel suggests that her preferred method of transportation is in the arms of a bodyguard or other burly man, cradled like a giant baby.

How random is that?! As random as your dog sneezing at the same time as you turning on the television.


Exhibit 3: She used to have a “demon folder.”

Right. Let’s look at this. From a 2013 interview with Complex:

Have you ever seen an alien?

Not an alien, but I’ve had a ghost/demon experience. We were in Kansas City a few weeks ago and went to this haunted castle and were so excited. The next night we wanted to go to Stull Cemetery, which is known as one of the seven gates to hell on Earth. The Pope won’t fly over it…I felt this sick, overwhelming feeling of negativity over the whole car and we smelled sulfur, which is the sign of a demon, and there was a fly in the car randomly, which is another sign of a demon. I was like, “This is scary, let’s leave.” I rolled down the window before we left and said, “We apologize. We didn’t mean to disrupt your peace.” Then I took a picture and there are three super distinct faces in the picture—they’re faces of textbook demons.

Textbook demons! We imagine a textbook demon resembles the stock image above, but please, use your imagination. Demons manifest differently for everyone. My personal demon that visits me every new moon is a ghastly spectre of my student loan debt, anthropomorphized with the body of a sloth and the voice of a shrieking baby. But Lil’ Ghost Hunter Grande has amassed enough demon imagery for an entire folder. A demon folder.

The next day I tried to send the picture to my manager and it said, “This file can’t be sent, it’s 666 megabytes.” I’m not kidding. I used to have a folder called “Demons” that had pictures with all the screencaps in it, but then weird things started happening to me so I deleted it.

How random is that?! As random as dreamily drawing pentagrams on your calculus homework.

2014 iHeartRadio Music Festival - Night 1 - Show

Exhibit 4: Mama Grande thought Ariana was going to “grow up to be a serial killer.”

Baby Girl Grande has always been a strange thing. In an interview with Billboard, she shed some light on her dark, scandalous, Hot-Topic-esque past.

“Dark and deranged. I always wanted to have skeleton face paint on or be wearing a Freddy Krueger mask, and I would carry a hockey stick around. I was like a mini-Helena Bonham Carter…. There was a stage, when I was 3 or 4, where my mom thought I might grow up to be a serial killer.”

Ah! A little moppet from Boca Raton, wandering around the house with a hockey stick and striped stockings, doing “dark” things? What a world.

How random is that?! As random as that time you ran into your friend Casey on your way to get froyo when you were just thinking about texting her.

Exhibit 5: She contains multitudes, some of which include an actual baby and a lamb.

I’m not saying that she actually is part baby and part lamb, but I’m not saying that she isn’t either.

How random is that?! As random as skipping instead of walking every Tuesday and Thursday, and also on alternating Sundays.