No, We Do Not Need “Oreo Thins,” But Thank You For Asking

Because the birthday cake, red velvet and ice cream iterations weren’t enough, here is the Oreo Thin, a new version of the beloved staple that is half the width of its predecessor. Its appeal lies in the crunch and also in the fact that you could probably eat an entire sleeve in one sitting and not feel as terrible. That’s fine, I guess. But, please, do not view this as an improvement on the original. This is a cookie that defeats the purpose. It takes the thick, creamy, chemically goodness of a beloved staple and compresses it into a shell of its former self.

According to Business Insider, “Oreos Thins are not designed for dunking in milk or pulling apart to eat the inside filling.” What. Oreos aren’t sophisticated. They shouldn’t be skinny, crispy and delicate. Making Oreos the width and texture of a particularly crunchy Kettle chip is an abomination. That defeats the purpose of an Oreo! They are a snack item that makes playing with your food de rigueur. Prying open the cookie and tracing your initials in the filling before eating it is part of the fun. So is being able to customize the way you want to consume your cookie. Do you want to use the cookie top to scrape creme from the bottom in little rows? Go for it! You eat the Oreo the way you want to eat it. That is your right as a consumer and cookie-appreciator. These thin, diet-friendly cookie substitutes are a piss poor imitation of the real thing. We reject them outright.

The Oreo Thins are available on July 13, so feel free to ruin your childhood and your cookie fun then. [Business Insider]