Evil Dolphin Assaults Woman, Punches Her Daughter In The Face

Dolphins are fucked up. I know, I know. Everyone thinks they’re just the friendly mammals of the sea, and wants to like, swim with them in order to achieve some kind of mystical enlightenment or whatever. They even want to have “dolphin assisted births” and shit.

But I am here to tell you that all is not what it seems with these friendly mammals of the sea, ok? They are vicious psychopaths with a fondness for gang rape, and they will murder you as soon as look at you. Probably. Oh, and perhaps worst of all, they love Iggy Azalea.

In the latest incident of dolphin-on-human crime, a particularly bloodthirsty dolphin leaped on board a boat off the coast of California–and landed right on top of Chrissie Frickman and breaking both her ankles. Said dolphin then punched their 16-year old daughter in the face. Blood was everywhere!

Despite having been attacked by the sadistic creature, husband Dirk Frickman (who definitely needs to be hosting a 1970s game show, for real) benevolently worked to save its life, splashing water on it as he sailed back to shore. The dolphin was then released back into the ocean. Probably while singing “So Long and Thanks For All The Fish.”

I’m telling you. This is likely just the first in a series of attacks as dolphins attempt to take over the world and murder us all. It could totally happen. Why do you think I live in the Midwest?

[Daily Mail]